I’m Getting Too Old….

Maggie took me to the garden shop to help her pick out some flowers and herbs for her house. I didn’t mind and actually enjoyed myself. It was nice smelling all my old friends from childhood. It brought back alot of memories working first with Mom and then Aunt Grace. All the GOOD memories.

I was sitting in the living room thinking that i really missed the smell and just plan puttering around the yard. Granted the vision wasn’t affording me much joy these last few years. Tony never allowed me to have a garden. He said it was dirty and unkempt to have a flower garden. So i got out of the hobby of gardening. Maggie made me remember how much I loved it.

So i took a cab down to the garden shop and one of the sales people came along with me as i loaded up a wagon full of flowers and dirt, enough stuff to fill a station wagon full. Which the cab company so sweetly sent over. I had to haul the dirt out of the back of the wagon while the driver sat in the cab. He was on oxygen so he couldn’t help. I just put everything on the curb and he left. From there i got it all up the front steps and then opened the door. Then i carried it all to the back door. I was building up a sweat. Just as I was about to get the last flower, one of the neighours asked if they could help. I wasn’t sure wheither to hit him or smile. I just closed the door.

After getting a ‘Diet Coke’, I set out to put the items in the back yard. Another trip up and down stairs. The rest i thought I would do the next day. I didn’t realize how hot it had gotten outside either. By the time I finished I thought I was going to pass out. Then I realized I had been at it for well over eight hours and NO food. I fixed that in a hurry. Popped something in the mircrowave and sat and ate it while drinking a flavoured water.

Maggie the next time i thinkabout doing something like this….hit me over the head.

The muscles in my legs started to twich. Wonderful. i smelled and was gritty. But still I started to feel…..happy. Something I had not in a while. But it was enough for the first day.

The next morning the sun was warm. I could feel it on my face as I headed outside. I even brought a silly garden hat like Aunt Grace used to wear. No gloves, granted my long nails would take a beating, but why garden if you are not going to put YOU in the soil. I think the plants can tell if you really care about them rather then having something between you and their “toes”.

First thing I need to do was figure out WHERE all this was going to go and make the bed. the more I thought about it the less happy I was about putting it IN the ground. weeds and slugs and….mmm. So I called the cab again and headed back to the garden shop. This time I came home with some ten pots. Thank heavens they now make these wonderful foam pots. They look fancy but weight NOTHING. I filled them with dirt and placed them all over the yard. The filling part was SO MUCH FUN !!! I forgot fifty pounds of dirt gets heavier when you have a rain over night. Seems the water gets thru the plastic. So there I was lugging sacks of wet dirt from pot to pot.

Maggie if I tell you another bright idea like this…hit me along the side of the head.

FIFTHTEEN bags of soil. That’s errrr I need to take my shoes off to count….pounds of dirt I hauled all over the yard. FOR WHAT? I’m totally nuts for doing this. By the end of the afternoon I was shaking again. Once again the hours slipped away from me and I was hungry and thirsty. Once again I realized I missed doing this. Once again I thought I was crazy. I still had not planted a damned thing.

MAGGIE !!! RIGHT HERE !! SMACK ME ONE GOOD !!!

I’m glad I work for myself, I can take off whenever I want too. Maggie was on a new assignment and not in the office. I was loney sitting there day after day not seeing anyone. So I de

ceided to take the next day and finish up. As I was sitting in the kitchen eating yet another microwaved dinner….did I say I missed the Food Fairy? Maggie would have given me leftovers to bring home. Damn I miss her. But…. I was sitting there and I smelled something. What IS that? I reached for my ‘Diet Coke’. LORDIE IT WAS ME !!! I also forgot what a sweat you build up along with the grit. So upstairs I trekked for a long hot bath and bed. Oddly I found I slept really well. Another reason to take up gardening again.

Finally it was flower planting time. I potted several roses and all kinds of bloomers. Peonies, snapdragons, plenty of daffies and hyancenes to make my garden smell like a funeral parlour. Foxgloves and pansy along with phlox and sweet william. Oh it was going to be so pretty. Oh wait, I forgot I brought CLIMBING roses too! Nuts. another trip to the garden shop. They were looking at me now as their cash cow. I think I paid the rent on the place for the next three months with all that I brought. So I picked out a nice white plastic trellis, good for twenty years they said. I waited and really didn’t pay much attention as they packed the cab for me. I got home and the cabbie put the items on the doorstep. I felt around for the trellises and found skinny boxes. Oh crap they were NOT put together!

Maggie, if I ever do this again……

It’s bad enough my vision keeps me from reading normal print, but instructions ARE written in Chinese. I got the magiflier out and looked it over and finally threw the paper in the recyle bin. I was going to figure this out on my own. The first one took a whopping two and a half hours to put together. The second one …twenty minutes. But I can say I DID IT !!! I was pretty pleased with myself inspite of the nicks in my fingers from missing with the screwdriver and time spent looking for a dropped nut. But they were done and in the pots for the little roses to climb their roots off.

I watered everything and thru some seeds in pots to boot. once again I started to shake and feel like I was going to pass out. Once again the hours slipped past me. I came inside to realize I missed a call from Maggie. I was so intent in the garden I didn’t hear the phone. Damn. but I was done. I got out a lawn chair which I had not used in a long time and opened it. I set it on the ground planning to sit back and watch the flowers grow.

Right. the webbing on the chair had dry rotted. The moment my butt hit it, I went thru it onto the ground. Now I was stuck in the chair.

Maggie….right here. RIGHT HERE…..

il And Saa Saa’s Love Nest: The True Bullshit….Err Story.

Gil And Saa Saa’s Love Nest: The True Bullshit….Err Story.

Gil Grissom and Sara Sidle had been having their cheap, undercover ‘adult relationship’ for about a year.  Sneaking around behind all their co-workers’ backs.  They couldn’t tell anyone even if they wanted to since it was against the policy of the Las Vegas Crime Lab.   Hell it was actually against human policy to inter-breed with an alien or animal.  Gil was going against the laws of nature in more then one way.  Sara really didn’t have friends, and Gil….well he was just too embarrassed to say a word.  He realized he let his dick do the thinking.

“I think we should move in together.”  Sara chirped up one night after feeding Grissom yet another round of those little blue pills and keeping him working for hours.

“Excuse  me?”  Grissom laid back on the pillow and wiped the sweat from his brow in Sara’s cheap one bedroom apartment.  He picked up a small roach making it’s way up the torn duvet cover and set it on the floor.  “There you go Buddy.”

“I said…I think we should move in together.   It’s been a year and we waste too much time going back and forth between Vegas and Hendersen.  We need to find an apartment here in Vegas.”   She sat up and turned on the lamp sitting on an old vegetable crate.

“Turn the light off please.”  Gil threw the covers on his head and found yet another roach heading up from under the covers.  Once again he set it on the floor, almost patting it on the head as he did so.

Sara clicked off the light.  “Why do you keep telling me to turn the lights off?   One would think you don’t want to see me.”    She felt the bed shaking next to her.  “You better NOT be laughing.”  She then heard coughing.

“Sorry I got the chills there for a second.  WHY do you want us to move in together? HERE in Vegas of all places?”

“Well that forty five minute drive twice a day.  Having to rush back here at all hours of the day and night.  Even if it’s for ecological reasons and the cost of gas.  I think it’s time.  You’ve been getting the milk for free for a year.  I want to think of us as a couple.  I want to make you a …..home.”

“I have a home.  A nice, neat one in Hendersen.”

“Which you will not let me decorate, or leave my clothes over there. Nothing.  I want something that is OURS.”   She heard Gil take a deep breath.   “You better say yes or tell me to start looking or there is going to be hell to pay.  And you KNOW I can make your life a living hell.”

“Oh, you sure can.  You’ve been doing a great job for the last eleven years.   Okay, okay.  Pick out a few places and we’ll look into them.  Nothing too fancy, I’m NOT giving up my place, you can forget that.  But I am willing to get another place…as an investment.   There, that would work.  A nice investment.”

“In US?”

“Errr sure if it makes you feel better.”  Grissom felt something tickling his feet.  “Sara I LOVE my buddies here, but don’t you think ‘Terminx’ should be paying you a visit soon?  Or are all your neighbours Hindi?”

**************

“I found THE perfect place!”  Sara threw the newspaper ad on Grissom’s desk.  “Go buy it now.”

Grissom picked up the paper and turned it around.  “I’m not familiar with that apartment’s name.  It’s off Fremont Street !!  Sara that’s not in the greatest part of town.  Wait!  It’s NOT an….”

“Rent’s reasonable and it’s got an open floor plan and sounds perfect for our love nest.  It’s wide open and spacious.  Shopping and restaurants are close.  Perfect.  And think…we can get to the crime scenes really fast from there.”

“Shh!   Don’t say that too loud.  Someone might hear.”   Grissom looked up over his glasses.  “Besides it’s four a.m.”  He looked at the paper again.  “We sure could get to crime scenes in a hurry, just open the door.  Gods, Sara….”

“You get off at eight, right after work.  BUY IT!  Or rent it.  I don’t care but I WANT that place.”

“Sara, it’s…..”   He saw the folded arms and heard the tapping foot.   He sighed.  “Yes Dear.  Your name will be on the line at nine.”

“That’s better.”  She turned and left.

After she left Grissom keyed in the ‘MapQuest’ to get directions.   “Mmm odd place but….”  He looked down at his crotch, “….if I don’t get it by nine there will be nothing for you to get up for.  Hell, there’s nothing now.  You’ve been letting me down lately.  Thank gods for the little blue pill. “   He just sighed again and put the paper in the drawer, just as Catherine Willows came in.

“Well Sara seems happy for a change.  Wonder what bug is up her ass?”  Gil spit his tea all over his desk.

***************

Gil pulled into the real estate office promptly at eight twenty.  The agent was standing there waiting at the door.  Gil got out slowly and walked over to the door being held open for him.  The agent was still half asleep having been rustled out of bed at seven thirty in the morning by Gil’s call.   “Are you sure you want this place?  I’m glad you are interested and all but…”

“Hey the lady in my life wants it or I’m chopped liver.”  Gil looked at the man about his age.

“Ahh, you got a younger woman you are hiding from your wife.”   He looked over at Gil.  “My lips are sealed, I’m just happy to get this off my hands.  Been vacant for a year.   What are you putting in there?”

“Nothing.  She wants to live there.”  Gil drank more of the tea he brought in a paper cup.

“Live?  THERE?  Are you kidding me?”   Gil shook his head.   “Well, you shouldn’t have a problem with the bathroom.  There are multiple stalls.  Great lighting.  Windows along the whole front.  Might want to put heavy curtains up.  Parking shouldn’t be a problem….plenty of spaces.”  Gil just nodded as he signed the check and then signed on the dotted line to rent the place for a year with option to buy.  “Goodness she’s got you by the balls.”

“You have NO idea.”

*****************

“Carry me over the threshold.”

“WHAT?”    Grissom stood there putting the key into the latch and opening it.  “I have to turn off the burglar alarm.”  He walked in and flipped on the lights and quickly found the alarm and disabled it.   The brightness of the lights damn nearly blinded him.  He was used to working nights and in the dark.  “Are you coming in or what?   He held open the door.  Sara just stood there arms folded and foot tapping.  “Oh for Pete’s sake.”   Grissom put one arm around her waist and picked up Sara with one hand and set her on the other side of the glass door.  “There.”

“Not what I wanted but…”

“You are OVER the threshold, be happy.   Now please tell me HOW you are going to decorate this.”  He waved his arms to a huge empty store.   “We sure as hell will not need lamps, the overhead lighting is enough!”

“This place is TOTALLY perfect !  There is nothing to clutter up that wide open feeling.   Where’s the bathroom?”

“Downstairs.  There’s a men’s and a lady’s room.  Multiple stalls too.  They left the steel shelving units according to the office.  So we will not need dressers.  Well, you can finally get rid of the ‘Tupperware’ tubs and ‘Xerox’ boxes you’ve been using.”   Sara just raised an eyebrow at him, he raised his hands.   “Well, the floor should be easy to clean with a industrial machine.  Do you want me to help you bring your stuff or trash …”    Sara held out her hand, Grissom sighed and opened his wallet, …handed over the credit card.

“This is perfect.  I got the ‘K Mart’  across the street, the ‘Salvation Army’ is at the end of the block.  The liquiour store is two doors down and there’s a Chinese carry-out right next door.   Parking spaces the lore!”

“Right and a place for me to go pray on the other side. Of us…if I was a ‘Holy Roller’.  We need to do something about drapes, HEAVY drapes for these windows.  I wouldn’t want someone peeking in, thinking we’re a store.”    Grissom was talking to an empty room.  Sara was looking out the back door.  “Who in the HELL would want to be living in a strip mall store and think this is great?  What the hell?  I’M STANDING HERE !!  All for a mistake of screwing the wrong person.  Christ Almighty did I make a mistake or what?  She’s REALLY got me by the balls.”

“Great the dumpster’s right out the back door.  You won’t have far to take out the trash.”  Grissom bit his tongue until it bled.     He was trying to get it to stop with his handkerchief when Sara walked back up to him.   “Downstairs?”   H
e pointed to a set of steel steps.  Grissom  motioned with his hand for her to go first.

Sara got to the bottom and felt the wall and flipped the lights on.  Once again Gil blinked at the brightness of the overhead lights.  “Better get a few bulbs from the hardware store. “

“Are you going to get a real bed or are we going to keep using the blow up bed from your place?”

“What’s wrong with it?  It’s done me well since college.  Can’t see wasting money on things.  I’ll have this place looking really nice in a few hours.  You… go to my place and start packing things.   Get a truck while you’re out and bring everything here. I’ll go shopping.”   She turned and left Grissom standing there.

He walked into the ‘men’s room’ and looked down a row of toilets, some with doors on them.   “Well, at least I will not have to wait for a pot to piss in.”  He went into the first stall and quickly came out and decided to hold it.   “Mental note get truck load of ‘Clorox’.”

**************

Gil threw things from Sara’s apartment into green trash bags.  Sara didn’t have luggage, even the green trash bags was a battle Gil fought with her.  She complained they were not good for the planet, but finally agreed when at a crime scene a rotting arm fell out of a paper bag in front of her as Nick Stokes pulled it out of a trash can.    He waited for the ‘Aero’ bed to deflate as he carried stuff and threw it into the back of a pickup truck he rented.   After bring out a second load, he found several homeless people looking thru the back of the truck.

“Hey, hey, it’s not for sell or giving away!”  Then he mumbled to himself, ‘God I wish I COULD dump this shit.’

“Ain’t this stuff going to the dump?”  One toothless old man asked,   “Looks like it’s all trash to me.  Hell I wouldn’t let my dog be seen with this stuff.”

“No, it’s my bitc…errr…it’s the girl who lives here’s stuff.”  Gil smiled slightly at the man.

“Got you by the balls idiot.”   He turned and walked away as did the rest of the group.  “Keep it up and you’ll end up like me.”   The dirty old man left Gil standing there pondering.

He had Sara’s place emptied and paid off the month by month lease so Sara was free and clear.  Ten Mexicans were waiting for the apartment when he left the office.  They carried their things in when Gil handed over the keys to them for the manager.

He drove back to the strip mall thinking to himself.  ‘Wonder what kind of furniture she’s going to pick out?  Where is the kitchen going to be?  I’ll need a lot of extension cords for things, wait the plugs are in the floor.  Mmm.  Need to call the electric company too.  I wonder if she’ll remember to get a refrig.  Hell a stove !!  Don’t want to get food yet, refrig first.  Sighhh, this IS costing me more then I want to spend.  Oh hell I SHOULD have listened to Ecklie and gotten a sports car.  HOLY SHIT!! I’m agreeing with ECKLIE NOW??? Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!”

************

Gil pulled into a space directly in front of the store.   He noticed the blinds were opened.   He could see things inside but it was slightly dark.  He saw movement and realized it was Sara.   He took a deep breathe as he got out of the car and picked up a few of the green bags filled with Sara’s trash errrr belongings.

There was a small doorbell, Grissom pushed it with his elbow and Sara looked up.  She came over and opened the door.  “What you forgot your key?”  She held the door open for him to pass.

“No, my hands were full.  Where do you want these?”    He turned and faced her.

“Just drop them.”  And that was exactly what he did.   “Now get the rest of it.  I’m decorating.”   She pushed the door open and places a cider block to hold it open.   “Oh, I did forget to get a trash can.”  She walked a few feet and pulled the one the public used.  You know the type with the adverts on the side and the bees buzzing around for all the partially drunk ‘Coke’ in it.  “Perfect for the kitchen.”   Gil just banged his head on the side of the truck.

He finished bringing in the rest of the bags and threw them all in a heap on the landing of the “”apartment”“.   He started to close the blinds.   “Hey, I want them open!”

“Err no Sara.   People will think this is a store.  Now do we need groceries, paper goods?  I couldn’t find much at your place.”

“We need everything.  I didn’t keep much on hand.  I didn’t cook much you KNOW that.”

“Where are you putting the kitchen?”   Sara pointed to a space on the landing that ran along the entire front and sides of the store err apartment.  Grissom walked over to a cider block.  On the top of it was a camp cook stove.   “What the hell is this?”

“The stove.  Can’t you tell?”

“You expect me errr us to cook on THIS?  Where’s the refrig?”  Sara tapped a small dorm room sized box.  “That’s …that’s…”

“Perfect beside the bed and a six pack fits right in there.   We don’t need anything bigger.  I got you one for your side of the bed.”   She moved a bright yellow and orange coloured sofa so that it faced the windows.

“What the hell is THAT?”

“The living room set.  Don’t you love it?   It should air out in a few days.  The man at ‘Salvation Army said the person who died on it …well you know what happens when someone dies.   The smell should leave in a few days.   The telephone guys said I could take the wooden spool for the coffee table.  That saved you a few bucks.   You SHOULD thank me for saving you some money.   Now I’m going downstairs and putting away my clothes.”  She grabbed a few bags.

Quietly and under his breathe Gil said, “Make sure you blow up the bed, what all that hot air…it should be easy.”   He looked around and rolled his eyes.  No stereo system to listen to music to help him unwind.  No place to put pictures, the walls were paint peeling cement blocks.  “Ahhh Sara, I’m going out to get some things.  Need anything?   I should be back in a few hours.  I’ll have some things delivered.  Listen out for the bell okay?”

“Whatever.  Hey there’s plenty of storage for CASES of beer !!  I’m in hog heaven!!”

Grissom shuddered as he walked out the door and locked it.  He didn’t bother with the alarm.  Hell he HOPED someone would come in and steal everything.    He started to open the truck door when he noticed three shops down was a used appliance store.   “Oh what the hell, I’m not buying new for THIS place.”   He walked down to the store and went it.  He brought a dented refrig and a stove.  He looked around and found a washer and dryer that a Laundromat had sold them.  He brought that and the store promised to cart the items three doors up within the hour.  At least that was done and with little money.  He was glad he found the credit card sitting on the table where Sara set it.   “Now for some groceries and ….I need a drink.  Oh shit, I’m sounding more and more like Sara now.”

************

Gil took the truck back and got the SUV and hit the local food store.  He brought just about everything he could think of.  Soaps, dishes, pots and pans, paper goods, can goods, frozen foods, vegetables and fruit.  By the time he finished he had a trunk load full of items and a large bill.   The cashier looked at him and winked.  “She’s got you by the balls Buddy.”  Gil just sheepishly smiled and paid for the groceries.

Driving home he started to add up what the day costed him.  He had to admitted the store rental was actually cheaper then an apartment in Vegas.  He knew the air conditioning system worked.  What store in Las Vegas didn’t freeze you to death when you walked in?  The way Sara kept the other apartment showed him she wasn’t one for cleaning and keeping things neat.  He noticed he had let himself start to fall into the habit of tossing things.  Something he never did at his place.  He wanted his orderliness.   He liked things neat and clean.  He was going to try and change Sara to be more caring about their home and herself.  Right, sure.  Dream on.

It was nearing night time when he was just about to pull in.  He noticed it before he got into the parking space.  “Oh dear God in Heaven.”   He pulled into the parking space and just sat there.  Sara HAD closed the blinds.  But right in front of him was the brightest neon sigh saying “OPEN”, he had ever seen.  And it was right there in the middle of the window.  “OH DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN!”  He banged his head on the steering wheel.  He couldn’t help but to start laughing.  He was in too deep to do anything BUT laugh.  He got out and started grabbing bags.  He set them down in front of the door and rang the bell and, then headed back for more.   He heard the door unlatch, once again Sara got the cement block out and pushed the door back to keep it open.

“What’s all this plastic stuff. PAPER!”  She stood there in her usual stance, hands on hips and glaring.

“You needed new lunch bags didn’t you?  New brief case for the office?  How about  place to hang your err beauty products in the bathrooms?   Heck they are good for recycling…they ARE blue bags!”   Sara had to nod at that one.  Gil just rolled his eyes.   “Did the appliances come?”

“Yeah, they came like ten minutes after you left.  I put the washer and dryer down stairs thought it would be better there.  I can’t find any pipes upstairs.  We’ll have to run a hose up the stairs for the sink.  I found one in the dumpster out back.  I duct taped it so it should be ok.”  Once again Gil’s head hit the SUV.    “You should see a doctor about your balance, you keep running into things lately.”

They carried all the items into the “kitchen”   Gil opened the refrig and before Sara could put anything in it, rinsed it down with some ‘Clorox’.  He did the same thing with the stove and sink.   He was itching the side of his head when Sara came up from down stairs with another bucket and put it under the sink.   “What’s that for?”

“Well, there’s no pipes remember?   Do you want to clean under there every time?”  Sara looked at Grissom like he was THAT dumb.

“Oh right, ahhh thanks.”  Gil put things away in the refrig quickly.  “Mmm, no cabinets either.”   He looked at the cans and boxes of items.   He looked around trying to think where to put them.

“Oh for Pete’s sake.”  Sara went downstairs and Gil heard a racket of metal clanking as Sara hit each step with the wire store racks.  “Here use one of these.  There are about fifty of them downstairs.  Great for books too.  I left you a few in your bathroom for stuff.  You can use these as clothes hangers too.  Just hang your shirts and pant on the end.  Smart right?”   Sara tapped her finger to her forehead.  Gil just stood there with his mouth slightly opened.   “What’s for dinner?   Oh let me!”   Gil’s eyebrows shot up.  “Be right back.”  Sara trotted out the door and Gil continued to put the items away.  He was nearly finished when Sara came thru the door.  He smelled Chinese.  Hell he smelled Chinese all the time with ‘Wong Ton Way’ next door.  The grease smell permeated everything, but he was too tire and hungry to care.  “Come on sit down at the table.”   Gil looked around for a dining room or kitchen table.  “HERE!”   Sara moved into the living room area.  She pulled out three beat up old tv trays.  She set the food on one and the other two in front of the smelly sofa.

“I’m not sitting on that….until it’s cleaned.”

Sara pulled two of the green trash bags our.  “Better?”  She sat down and started to eat.  Gil just closed his eyes and walked over.  He nearly tripped over an extension card.  “Yeah gotta watch for them.  Crazy places to put the outlets in the floor.  Don’t you just LOVE this place?”  Gil hit his chest with his fist.  “Heartburn again?”

*****************

Gil was exhausted when he finally went to bed.  They both had been up for over twenty four hours.    Gil was too tired even to shower.  He really didn’t care once he saw Sara putting on the same sheets they used at her apartment.   He made a mental note to buy new sheets.   He laid down and fell asleep quickly.   A familiar tickling ran up his leg.  “Sara please, I’m REALLY tired.”   It stopped for a moment and then started again.  “SARA!”

“What?”

“Please one night without it.  I’m tired.”

“I’m not touching you.”

Gil’s eyes popped open and he flipped on the clown lamp sitting on the top of three tire rims Sara found for night stands.  He threw back the sheets and saw the largest cockroach he had seen in years.  “JESUS !!”  The cockroach definitely smelled like Chinese food.  Gil just sighed and took the insect upstairs and opened the front door.  Then he thought better.   He walked thru the store errr apartment and opened the back door and the six inch roach scurried off to the trash dumpster.  Gil smiled.   “Say hi to your friends.”   He relock the door and headed back down the stairs.  But first her managed to trip over several extension cords and his feet felt something strange.  He finally flipped on the overhead lights and was blinded for a few seconds.   He looked down to see artificial turf.   Sara was using it as an area rug.  Gil just closed his eyes and turned off the light.

Gil woke up several hours later and headed to the men’ s room.  He remembered the sight of the first stall and headed into the second one.  For the first time in a long time Gil hovered.  He wasn’t going to sit until he ‘Clorox’ed the ENTIRE bathroom.   He needed a shower and saw it in the corner.  Great, no curtain.  Oh well, he was going to clean the whole place anyway.   He started it up and the pipes made enough noise to wake the dead.  The air in the pipes from lack of use almost shook them out of the wall.  Finally he got water.  Hot wasn’t the word.  He remembered it was a BOILER.  He turned on the cold water and he was fine.  Then he realized he was standing in water.  He could see a plumbing job later that day.   Add that to the list.  He laughed and realized he had a sink for everyday of the week.  He seriously considered calling up a janitorial service   to see if he could get industrial sized toilet paper rolls and never ending towels.  Then he thought of a hot air blower.  Why not?  He could make small improvements in the place.  Nice fresh coat of paint and …. WHAT THE HELL???  Gil are you NUTS?  Err right, back to the story.

He saw Sara had gotten up and quickly grabbed the sheets and threw them into the washer.    He was upstairs getting breakfast ready when Sara came up the stairs.  “Sleep well?”

“Yeah, it was great.  You?”

“Yeah, really tired after yesterday.  I’m off for the next few days and…..maybe I’ll do some painting.  I need to call a plumber the shower drain’s clogged.   What about your’s?”

“That’s sorta okay.  But the toilets.  You flush and it comes up on my side.    Man you sure put out a lot of shit.”   That comment caught Grissom in mid chew.  “What’s in the washer?”

“The sheets.”

“Why it’s not the first of the month.  You know I wash them once every other month.  I TURN them on the first.”

“They needed to be washed.  I might just run over to ‘K Mart’ and get another set.  Do you want to come along?”

“Yeah, you could use a new bathrobe.  That silk one….I saw a rat dragging it thru a hold in the wall last night.”

“MY ROBE?  THE ONE FROM MY TRIP TO CHINA?”

“Yeah.  He got it thru there pretty quick.  I bet he’s enjoying that as nesting material.”

******************

Gil had only been in ‘K Mart’ a few times in his life.  To Sara it was ‘Neuman Marcus’.   She took a cart and told him she would find him.   Gil  got a cart and headed to the hardware section.   He wanted paint and a few tools to make SOME repairs.  He brought several bottles of drain cleaner and plenty of air fresheners.  He used all the bleach he got the day before.  He wondered how Natalie Davis was doing when he picked up a dozen more or the largest size of lemon scented bleach.   He also got boxes of tissues.   He really had to teach Sara how to use a tissue to clean her nose.  Nick complained about it once into much too much detail one night in the past week.   “Thank GOD these people don’t know where I am now.  God help me should they find out.”   He ended up having to get another cart, the first was laden with so much.   He was at the check out and paying when Sara came up.  “Throw what you got in.”

“No, I’ll pay for these.  It’s a surprise.  You go and put the stuff in the car.”   Grissom did as he was told.  Sara paid for her items and came out.  They zipped across the street and back to the “love nest” quickly.    “Mmm the smell is making me hungry.”  Sara took a big whiff of air.

“It’s making me sick.  I’m tired of the grease smell.  Don’t think I want Chinese for a while.”   He brought the bags in.  “I’ll going downstair and start painting.  I’ll call the plumber if this stuff doesn’t work.”

“Suit yourself.  I’m going to finish decoration.”

Gil painted for hours and kept checking the process of the drain cleaner.  He soon heard the sound of a plug letting lose and water rushing out.  He smiled and ran some water in the shower and flushed all of the toilets.  They worked!  He felt victorious.  He went over and checked Sara’s bathroom.   Gil had taken a wire shelving unit and placed all of his toilet items and clothing in neat piles on them.   Gil’s toiletries lined the mirrored shelf like little soldiers.  Even his toothpaste tube was rolled up and neat.   He looked at Sara’s shelf.  Nothing but a well worn brush, oddly with the center bristles missing and the toothpaste tube was as wrinkled up as a raisin.  He found nothing concerning ‘beauty aids’ that he usually saw in Catherine’s bathroom.  Lady Heather kept hers put away but he KNEW she used the finest lotions and potions to keep herself looking and smelling….well like a woman.  Sara knew NOTHING about that sort of thing.

“GRISSOM!   Come here I need you.”

“I’ll be there in a minute.  I want to finish this wall.”

“GRISSOM!”

“Yes Dear.”  He put the roller down and headed into the section of the basement he sectioned off as a ‘bedroom’.   He came around the shelving units he covered with plastic tarp he found until he could put curtain rods up.  “Yes?”  He stopped cold in his tracks.

There on the bed lay Sara in all her full glory.  Dressed in new boxer shorts and beefy tee shirt.  Her unshaved legs and armpits thrown across the bed in what she thought was a sexy pose.  The bright fluorescent light did NOTHING for her.  She once again threw the scarf over the lampshade.  This time Gil got too it before it caught on fire from the heat.    “Sara, I’ve told you time and time again about this.  Not now, please I’m all covered in paint and I want to finish up.”  He turned and headed back to the bathroom.  “Besides I didn’t take my pill.”

“But I brought you something.”  She pouted.

“It a while Sara.”  Sara made a nasty noise from her bottom half and Gil just rolled his eyes.  “I brought air fresheners too.  I put one on your side of the bed.  Open it more please.”

“Oh is THAT what that is?   Never used one before.”

“Yes I know.  Never used a razor either.”

“No, once you shave you have to keep shaving.  So I don’t.  And I’m NOT using all those chemicals that stop normal body functions.”

“Tell me about it.”   Gil picked up the roller and started.  “I didn’t know what colour you wanted for your bathroom.  I figured you didn’t like pink so I got you shitassed Army green.”

In a sulkily voice Grissom heard at the door.  “Ohhh, I love that colour!”  Gil turned to see Sara wearing a plaid housecoat that was obvious a mans.   “I brought you this for our new place.  Especially since the rat took yours.  Like it?”    She had nothing on under the robe.  “OW!”

“Taking the pins out might help.”

“Funny.  Doesn’t this do anything for you?”  She shimmed in front of Gil.

“I’m busy and I DIDN’T take a pill.”

“Open.  I brought it with me.”  He kept painting.  “I said OPEN.”

He sighed, “Sara, really….I would like things to come naturally.  Not forced each and every time.  Doesn’t it bother you that I need a pill EVERY time?”

“No, every guy I ever dated needed one.  I thought it was normal.”    Gil just blinked and bit his tongue again trying not to laugh as he painted.  “Are you going to do mine bathroom or come to bed?”

“I would like to finish this today.  I can do yours and this will be dry by then and ready for another coat.”

“So….I’m on my own?”

“Batteries are in the bag.”

“You do know how to make me happy don’t you?”    Sara headed back to the ‘bedroom’ and Gil looked up to the heavens and mouthed ‘thank you.’

****************

A year pasted and things happened.   Grissom got totally sloppy and fell into a lot of  Sara’s bad  habits.   He began not to care what the place looked like.  His usual neat self was slowly disappearing.  He was wearing more and more ‘K Mart’ specials while at home.  He kept them all there in Las Vegas, he still kept his good things in Hendersen. (Thank God.)

Finally Sara snapped and Gil was left alone.  She headed off to San Francisco to settle things with her Mother.  For the first time in two years Grissom felt like his old self.  Just in time for a case of the flu to hit the Lab.

He got so sick at the office, Catherine INSISTED that she drive him home.  He was far too sick to drive to Hendersen, so he went to the storefront apartment.  He pulled into the parking space and Catherine thought he was going to get something.   He waited for her to exit her car.

“Are you getting something?”  Catherine rolled down the window.

“No, this is where Sara and I live.”

“HERE?  In a strip mall?  Did you leave the night light on?”  She pointed to the ‘OPEN’ sign brightly lit up in the window.

“Shit, forgot to unplug that damned thing.  I’m never home when it is on.”

“You live…here?  Oh THIS I GOTTA SEE.  Open up!”

“Catherine….”

“Oh NO you don’t.  All this time….under my…OUR noses.   Open up.”

Gil just sighed, he was feeling way to sick to fight another battle.  He held up his hand and closed the door quickly behind him.   He reopened it after the lights came on and he disengaged the burglar alarm.”

“Oh….my…. God.”    Hank came running over to greet them.    “Hey there Buddy.  How are you?”   She looked around.  “Oh…my…God.   Let me guess.  Sara decorated it right?”  Gil nodded.   “Oh it was easy.  Cheap furniture.  Holy cow a telephone spool table?  I haven’t seen that since….the seventies.   And wow….that sofa.  Orange AND yellow. Totally eighties there.”   Her hand covered her mouth to stop the laughter bubbling up.  “You aren’t serious about staying here.  PLEASE tell me you didn’t get rid of your townhouse.  PLEASE.”   She smiled and let out held in air when he shook his head no.  “thank you God for small favours.  Ahh, bathroom, I gotta pee.”

“Downstairs to the right.  Lights at the bottom of the stairs on the wall.”

Catherine headed down the stairs and flipped the lights on.  “Whoa.”  Found it.  Kinda hard not to.  Got ‘LADIES’ written on it.”     She came up a few minutes later and was greeted by Hank again.

“Interesting to say the least.  Has anyone else seen this?”   Once again Gil shook his head no.  “Not even Brass?”   She snickered at the thought of what Jim would say.  “Please, let’s have him over for dinner…soon.   I’ll cook.”   Gil just glared at her.  “Sorry but I want to be here.”

“Catherine.”

“I know, you go to bed now.  You need some sleep.  Want me to take Hank for a walk real quick?”

“No, I taught him to pee in the shower stall and take a dump in the ‘Men’s room’.  I’m using some fake grass rugs Sara had.  Works okay.  He’s happy thinking it’s grass and I got a hydrant for him.”

Catherine started to say something but had to stop herself.   “Need anything?”  Gil shook his head no and Catherine gave him a quick hug.  “I’m honoured I was the first.”   She smiled and walked towards the front door.  She tripped over an extension cord.   Gil’s eyes just rolled.    “Lock up and DON’T come back to work for a few days.   I got your back.”

“Thanks Cath.”  He locked the door and Catherine watched as the overhead lights went out and the ‘OPEN’ sign flicked on.   She then broke out into the best laugh she had in years.

**************

Gil finally took some time off.   He and Hank spend a lot of quality time together.  He really had to have a long talk with him after getting a few phone calls.   Heather, Catherine and Sofia all called him during his time off to let him know that their female dogs where pregnant thanks to Hank.

Gil made his decision. He was going back to Hendersen.  The last two and a half years were finally hitting him.  He was a total fool for doing what he did.  He lost the respect of his friends and co-workers.  The people he cared about the most.  All for an unsatisfying relationship.   How these people stayed friends with him, he didn’t know but he promised he wasn’t going to let them down again.   He called the Salvation Army store at the end of the strip mall and asked them to come pick up the stuff in the apartment.   They said ‘thanks but not thanks.’   He called the rental office and tried to get out of the contract to no luck.  Finally, he knocked on the holy rollers’s door and the minister was there.   He was happy to have the extra room for the remainder of the lease.  He wrote Gil a tax receipt.   Gil quickly loaded up his SUV with his stuff and within two days was back in his clean, neat townhouse.

He looked around and Hank found himself a place to settle down.   “Buddy, you’re going to get a doggy door.  No artificial grass here.   I DID bring you hydrant. “   Gil placed it in the back yard.   “Yeah Buddy we are finally home..”   He looked down at the dog who was titling his head back and forth.   “You know something.  The more I think about it….Hank’s NOT a good name for you.”   He heard the dog whine.   “No, in fact Hank was probably a lot smarter then me.   I almost married her.”   He watched as the dog started to growl.   “Yeah that would have been a bitch.  I’m going to rename you.  Let’s see… how does Bruno sound to you?”

The True Deleted Scene From “Grissom’s Divine Comedy”

The True Deleted Scene From ‘Grissom’s Divine Comedy’

Gil sighed as he finished a long double shift, even with a serious case of the flu, he was called in.   Now the case was solved and he could have a few days off to rest and recover.   He was going to get some of the ‘chicken mud’ as his Mother called it instead of chicken soup.   Gil liked it so full of noodles and elbow macaroni that it was thick as mud.   But he was just too tired.  Hank sat on the other side of the room in Gil’s junked up apartment.  Sooner or later he was going to move back to Hendersen and his nice, neat townhouse.  But for now….the sofa called for him to lay down.

The cell phone rang.

“Damn.”  He picked it up and saw the name and smiled.  “Hi!”  He laid back down on the sofa, settling in for a nice chat with Heather Kessler.  “How are you?”

He listened to the soft, rich voice tickling his ear.  “No. I’m fine, just really tired.”  Again Heather spoke into his ear.  “Err.. I…ah. Wow!  Really?  I’m SO sorry.  Yes I KNOW I know better.  Well, I mean it couldn’t be helped, you know the heat of the moment.   Yes, I promise I will take care of it.  I will do WHATEVER you want.  I mean I’m pro-choice.  It’s totally your decision.  Okay, fine.  Yes, love you too.”

He flipped the phone closed and looked over at Hank.  Before he could say a word the phone rang again.  He looked at the screen, Catherine.  “Hey there.”   He listened intently as Catherine spoke.   “But…but.   I KNOW she’s not a loose little girl.   I know.  Yes I respect you and ….”  The yelling in his ear was causing him a headache.   “Catherine, I had the problem fixed after the last time we were  together. Nothing but shooting blanks.“

That didn’t stop the yelling.   “I know the rabbit SHOULD have stayed in the hole.  Yes I know, but when there’s a tail flipping in front of you that cute how can you…..  YES !!  Whatever you decide let me know.  I’ll support you either way.   NO, she’s NOT a two bit hussy.  Your little girl is sweet and I’ve loved her as if she was mine own.   Yes.  Yes.  Love you too.”

Gil rubbed his hands over his eyes.  He started to put the phone on the cheap telephone wire spool table that Sara brought, but it rang.  “Sofia?  Hey.  WHAT?  No, no not YOU TOO !!  Oh my God, Heather, Catherine , now YOU !!  No, no, I am NOT saying that.  No, okay just let me know what you want me to do.  Okay, yes I will pay for the doctor’s.  No, just let me know how much the surgery costs.  Promise.  Yeah, bye.”

Gil raised one eyebrow and looked over at his buddy sitting on a stack of pillows.  “Hank old boy, you got me into a heap of trouble.  You got ALL of those little ladies pregnant.”

Hank whined a little.

“Oh, sure…love them and leave them.  I thought I taught you better.  Now do you want to know WHY your balls are sitting in a jar in my office?”    He got up and Hank sunk into the pillows.   Gil stood in front of him with his hands on his hips.   “This is gonna cost me.”  He bent down and Hank whined again.  “Yeah Buddy I know they were worth it weren’t they?   I remember having a good time with each of those ladies myself.”

“Woof?”

“So what did you think of Sara?”

**********

The emergency doctor was trying not to laugh when Gil explained to him how he got the dog bite in his crotch.

CSI TITLE STORY

On ELYSE”S CSI board a listing was made of the shows on SPIKE for the day. i came up with this…

When Gil stated to PLAY WITH FIRE and he got INSIDE THE BOX of Sara, the LAB RATS wondered WHAT’S EATING GILBERT GRAPE? Hodges was wondering why Gil was TURNING OF THE SCREWS to Sara and not him.

Catherine was looking for the phone, warrick said to her, CAT’S (it’s) IN THE CRADLE. She smiled and said JUSTICE IS SERVED i gave Gil THE FINGER. I could feel THE COMING OF RAGE I wanted to run him over with my 4X4 because of his LOCO MOTIVES. But i gave him THE FINGER instead so JUSTICE IS SERVED. Nick stood there eating GUMDROPS and said to warrick “You owe me 35K OBO, I told you he was FANNYSMACKING her RASHMAMA. Too bad there’s no FORMALITIES, Lady Heather, Catherine, and us ladies, would have hit the JACKPOT and gil/William would have been in GRAVE DANGER

followed by grissom rocks’ response.

Let me try …

Some time after Sara left, Grissom was contemplating his life. He said some “Bad Words” and swore that he should have been “Committed” for even starting a relationship with Sara in the first place.

His thoughts turned towards Lady Heather. He remembered how “Spellbound” he was around her and the “Spark of Life” that passed between them when they first met.

The night they had spent together was a “Lucky Strike” on his part. He hadn’t gone to her place with hopes of “Getting Off”, but some “Unbearable” “Compulsion” caused him to seduce her. He remembered how “Gentle, Gentle” she was, yet his senses had been in “Overload”. He swore he had seen “Shooting Stars” in his mind as they put their “Bodies in Motion”.

As he thought more about Heather, Grissom was “Feeling the Heat” and wondered which “Way to Go” so he could get to “Lady Heather’s Box” house as quickly as he could.

He arrived at Heather’s home and knocked on the door. Heather opened the door and smiled at Grissom. “And what do I have before me?” she asked sweetly.

“You’ve Got Male,” Grissom answered sexily.

Heather had the “Last Laugh” as she led Grissom inside.

********************

CSI TITLE STORY.

“GO TO HELL, I’m not LYING DOWN WITH THE DOGS, you are! BULL, WHO AND WHAT do you think I am? You were a LIVING LEGENDs to the LAB RATS,. They thought you were a BIG SHOT, now they look at you like a FALLEN IDOL, with EMPTY EYES.” Catherine wasn’t finished with Gil. She pointed her fingers at his CROW’S FEET, and pushed him back down as he tried to stand up. “I would rather you DOUBLE CROSS me and go to THE CHICK CHOP SHOP and do some FANNYSMACKING, then to screw that MONSTER IN A BOX!”

She walked around the desk and sat in front of him. “LEAPING LIZARDS! I thought you were PLEDGING MR JOHNSON to LADY HEATHER’S BOX not that DEAD DOLL’s. At least Heather’s a LIVING DOLL and not some CASE OF THE CROSS DRESSING CARP! At least you would have been ENDING HAPPY with THE GOOD THE BAD, THE DOMINATRIX !”

“WHAT’S EATING (you) GILBERT GRAPE? Oh right, DOG EAT DOG….oh right you are planning on LEAVING LAS VEGAS because of your BURN OUT.. I forgot about that.
HAPPENSANCE, AT THE TIME OF YOUR DEATH, Doc will do a POST MORDEM and see that the KILLER was DADDY’S LITTLE GIRL Sara and not THE PIRATES OF THE 3rd REICH. “

There was no SOUNDS OF SILENCE coming off the I15, MURDER was the traffic at that time of night. Gil looked out the window trying to avoid THE COMING OF RAGE Catherine was building up to. He felt CAGED, he was FEELING THE HEAT. He knew she would soon hit FARENHEIT 932 and go BOOM. He was hoping she would be GENTLE GENTLE but he could see she was BURKED. He figured she was on OVERLOAD, with the inhertiance Sam Braum left her, a COOL CHANGE of 35 K OB (Oh Boy) could he do something with that ! “Now Catherine, we used to be FRIENDS AND LOVERS and promised TO HALVE AND HOLD, but it didn’t work because I was having an IDENTIY CRISIS and started CHASING THE BUS until it CRASH AND BURNed to find a MEAT MARKET that I could be ANNONOUS at. Sadly every FELONIOUS MOK and ALTER BOYS in Las Vegas know me. “ He walked around his desk and kneeled in front of her. “Remember when I LIKEd TO WATCH you ? When you were THE STRIP STRANGLER? You killed ELLIE and I conviced everyone to ASSUME NOTHING. Ecklie said ‘GOT MURDER?’ and I SNUFFED and said A LITTLE MURDER, nothing I can’t handle. I convinced them it wasn’t you. You were the UNUSUAL SUSPECT, I managed to frame THE HUNGER ARTIST and said he had BLOOD LUST and ate THE FINGER. Since he had A RECIPE FOR MURDER in his cook book. After his RAMDON ACTS OF VOLENCE, we were able to avoid THE EXECUTION OF CATHERINE WILLOWS … weren’t we? He waited for the bright friendly smile her loved so much.

Catherine was going to have the LAST LAUGH. “Remember THE NIGHT AT THE MOVIES? We finally went out, AFTER THE SHOW….we were such HOMEBODIES, we didn’t need ROOM SERVICE.” She smiled at him, she didn’t want this to be a FIGHT NIGHT. She wanted to remember when there were no UNFRIENDLY SKYS. But the SEX, LIES AND LARVA that had pasted between them was hard to ignore. She opened her blouse slightly, as if she was warm. She knew she had a body that was BUILT TO KILL for. After all, 11 ANGRY JUROR men stood there watching Gil hit the JACKPOT as she walked away from the courtroom all those years ago. She could tell Gil was GETTING OFF and things might get XX rated in the glass walled office. She enjoyed being BAD TO THE BONE. She smiled remembering Gil was no ONE HIT WONDER, he was a DEAD RINGER for John Holmes and she loved it when he was INSIDE THE BOX. He worked the HIGH AND LOWS of her. She pointed to his BIG MIDDLE, “I see YOU GOT MALE…big male.” She smiled coyly while GIL VS THE VOLCANO within him. “This is UNBEARABLE, BITE ME you…you KING BABY!! Make me see SHOOTING STARS!! Let’s get these BODIES IN MOTION !! Be an ORGAN GRINDER and PLAY WITH my FIRE!!!” Gil couldn’t wait. “No! NO!! Don’t be an EARLY ROLLOUT or everything will be DOWN THE DRAIN !!” There was no INVISABLE EVIDENCE that their tongues did a SWAP MEET in each others throats.

Gil SNAKED inside her, he was close to POPPIN TAGS and he was COMMITTED to their friendship FOREVER. He was SPELLBOUND by her beauty. “SWEET JANE” he shouted and
realized he was in trouble, calling Catherine another woman’s name. A WEEPING WILLOWS stood before him. He tried to help her by asking if she wanted PAPER OR PLASTIC to clean up after the LAWS OF GRAVITY did him in. The ICED look from her made him realize he was in GRAVE DANGER. “Catherine !!!”

BANG BANG she shot him! “What? No KISS KISS BYE BYE ?” Gil gasped for air.
“YOU KILL ME. Make sure the TOE TAG reads the ….the….” He gasped again and died.

HOLLYWOOD BRASS stood in the door way looking at Gil on the floor. “WHO KILLED SHERLOCK?” He asked as he popped a GUMDROP into his mouth. “I hope he didn’t leave me those damn C.OCKROACHES in his will.” He walked around the body laying on the floor. “Mmm, there are the UNUSAL SUSPECTS but not one have a LOCO MOTIVE for killing Grissom.” He rubbed his chin. Just then, the rest of the Lab comes running in to see if there is a SPARK OF LIFE left in their former leader. Brass just looked at them and said, “A BULLET RUNS THRU IT”, pointing to Gil’s heart. “Seems he was TOO TOUGH TO DIE and the bullets had to go thru the BLOODLINES first. But there is just a few BLOOD DROPS around. Not Gil’s normal mess he leaves others to clean up.”

Ecklie spoke, “I see the PILOT, the BURDEN OF PROOF will be a hard WAY TO GO for us. There are so many people who hate Grissom right now, thanks to you.” He looked straight at Sara. “Mmmm, there will be some CH CH CHANGES around here. I’ve just hired SCUBA DOOBIE DO for a superviser. He’s not a BULLY, so you all will not be the SLAVES OF LAS VEGAS anymore!” Slowly the Lab employees went back to work AND THEN THERE WERE NONE but Doc and David to do their jobs.

Brass looked at them and shook his head. “You will need to HARVEST that PRECIOUS METAL from his heart. It will be in the evidence bag FOREVER, a tiny little 4 X 4 bag.. Warrick can take NO MORE BETS as to wheither or not THE ACCUSED IS ENTITLED to a fair trial here in VIVA LAS VEGAS or if it’s just a FORMALITIES that PRIMUM NON NOCERE.”

Doc looked up and said “WHO ARE YOU? The only person I knew who talked like that was Gil.” He pointed to Hodges, who just came in and said, “Get the heck out of here, there are NO HUMANS INVOLVED in this murder. It was done by SUCKERS who didn’t know the real Grissom. He did it ALL FOR OUR COUNTRY!”

Hodges stood there with tears in his eyes. “Gil..my Gil!” He looked at Catherine. “LET THE SELLER BEWARE, it was not your LUCKY STRIKE that killed him it was your FUR AND LOATHING, your TURNING OF THE SCREWS! Gil and I were magic together! ABRA CADIVER for sure! There were no SECRETS AND FLIES betwen us. We unzipped and BUTTERFLIED each other !! We were NESTING DOLLS for a family together. I tell you beware Catherine REVENGE IS BEST SERVED COLD and I promis you as long as there is STILL LIFE in me….the COMPLUSION to REDURM you will not go UP IN SMOKE TASHAMAMA!! I’ll take care of Gil’s CRATE AND BURIAL. I loved him!”

Catherine looked at Jim and Doc, “Mama MEA CULPA! Did you know Gil was into CROSS JURIDICATION ?” They shook their heads. “Well that explains his CHAOS THEORYs and all the ANADATMONY OF A LYE he was doing. I didn’t know he was doing A LA CART ! The son of a …he just uped the TABLE STAKES. I’m leaving GOODBYE AND GOOD LUCK figuring out who killed him!”

Phew that was TOUGH !!!

No Good Deed…

No Good Deed….

……goes unpunished.

Never were there more true words then when I got to go shopping with ‘Yappie’.    Her real name is Annabell, she’s my age.  I’ve known her now some forty odd years.  We met in junior high school when I stepped in-between two girls about to fight.    One was my friend and about to be seriously defeated.  People knew me as a rough and tumble kinda girl.  You didn’t mess with me and expect to get out alive.  Normally all I had to do was give a look.  It was rare I actually had to fight.  But it was usually a two hit fight.  Them swinging and missing, me hitting and them hitting the ground.  Two hits.  Them and the ground.

Well Annabell was standing there with most of the other kids, a tall, skinny thing for a seventh grader, she didn’t say much since everyone was waiting to see what would happen.  Finally the bully turned and left with most of the others.  Annabell didn’t.  From that day on she was glued to my hip and yapping my ear off.  It’s a small wonder I’m not completely deaf.   I SAID IT’S A SMALL….oh never mind.

She fondly remembers the incident.  Me?  I can’t remember it at all.  We lost touch when we went to different high schools.  Then going thru an on line site for reunions, Annabell spotted a familiar name.  The phone rang and oh Lord it was her.  I thought it was a one time thing to catch up and then never see each other again.  Boy was I wrong.   I moved to Boston to be with my then husband and left that world of childhood memories behind…so I thought.  She moved to Boston!  She had been all around the world and settled in Boston.  What luck!  Oh SOB !!!!!

After a nice long winded phone call, I thought there was nothing to left to say, we met for lunch.  A large chain restaurant at the mall was our meeting place.   I was standing there at the door waiting and a tall, skinny kid came running up to me and started hugging me.  Yeah, nothing’s changed.  She still towered over me and still blonde (from a bottle now).  But still Annabell.  She grabbed me and headed inside for a seat.  I should have known then it was going to be a long lunch.

“No, not that table, THAT table.”  She pointed to one by the window.   Even after the waitress said it was closed since they didn’t have enough coverage for that section, we headed to that table.   After a few minutes they sent a waitress over.  I was ready with my order, Annabell hadn’t even opened her menu.   We gave our drink orders, and I tapped the menu.  “Pick something, I’m hungry.”   That went over like a lead balloon.    She continued to yap.  After the drinks came and no order given,  the waitress walked away.  She came back a few minutes later, same deal.  After twenty minutes she gave me a look.   “PICK SOMETHING !”   She just kept right on yapping as if I never said a word.  Finally I grabbed her hands and she stopped.  “PICK SOMETHING….or I will order for you.”   A blank look came over her face and she flipped thru the menu, finally narrowing it down to fifty choices.  By then I was banging my head on the table.  I made suggestions and that narrowed it down to five.  The poor waitress came over and just stood there hands on hips.  Finally she made a selection….but wait!  This or that had to be changed or brought out in a separate dish.  SHE wanted to put on the extras.  God give me strength.  I was already on my fifth ice tea.

After the food was brought, I was looking forward to blessed silence in-between bites.  Oh ye of little faith.  How she managed to yap and chew at the same time, I will never know.  But she did.    I finished in record time.  She had a quarter of her food gone.  I patiently waited and listened, finally she was into the last quarter.  It was four hours later.  Now the wait staff was setting up for the dinner crowd and we were still sitting.  Bless our waitress, she came over and laid the bill on the table hoping against hope to move Annabell along.  I think a stick of dyomite might have been a better choice.  She wanted dessert.  Is there a God in heaven?   He must have been out doing His work since He figured I had Annabell and some other poor soul was free for a few hours.   He owes me.

Another long wait for a choice.  I didn’t want anything, she kept wanting this or that, changing her mind more then I do underwear….mercy, there is NO end to this.  Finally the waitress came back over and vetoed every item saying they were out of everything she wanted.  Finally, Annabell said we might as well go.  I swear I saw the waitress going a cartwheel in the kitchen.

Annabell insisted on taking me to the local ‘WalMart’ to do the few items I needed.  I had planned on taking a cab over and then spending time locating the items and catching another cab home.   “No, no, no.”  Annabell insisted she had cleared the entire day for me.  Oh joy.

Now I pretty much have the store down pack.  I know which items I use and need and exactly where they are.  If I can’t find something, usually a clerk will help me out.  I loved shopping, but since the blindness has robbed me of colours and enjoyment of looking around, I’m in and I’m out.  Nope.  We got a cart, errr I can carry what I need.  I shoulda known.   First aisle, I held on the back of the cart and had Annabell pull the cart.  I figured it was easier …on my ears.  What was I thinking?  We started, I knew the item was at the end of the row.  I walked into the cart..we stopped.  “Why are we stopped are we there?  Did they move it?”   I was puzzled.

“No, just looking.”  Her cheery voice, “Seeing some stuff.”

“Oh you are getting stuff you need?”

“No, just looking.”

“Okay.”   I wait and wait and wait.  Finally it’s like five minutes.  “WHAT are you looking at?”

“Stuff.”

“What STUFF?”

“Just stuff.”

“Do you need this stuff?”

“No.”

“Then move it along please.  I don’t like being out after dark.”

“Okay.”  We moved two feet and stopped.  That’s when the murder plot started in my head.  It was either that or making sure the answering machine was on ALL the time.  God you owe me BIG time.

“Errr Annabell?  Find something?”

“Nope just looking.”

Oh dear God.  I wiggled past her and made my way down to the end and found the item I needed and placed it into the cart.  A full three feet closer then when I left it.  This continued up and down every aisle in the drug department.  And we have at least five more items to get.  Oh dear God.

After two more hours and just finishing up the first item I needed, I suggested that I get what I needed and meet her somewhere.  That was met with a no.  Damn.   I sniffed the air.  What are we doing in automotive?  ‘Just looking’ was her standard answer.  Bouncing my white cane on the floor did nothing.  Playing with it like a baton didn’t help either, I thought of putting it someone when I saw her bent over picking up yet another piece of stuff….but I needed it to get home.   I should have, I would have been home twelve hours sooner.   My half an hour trip turned into another six hours.  Finally I got everything I needed and told her I really needed to get moving.  It was already getting dark and I just don’t like being out in the dark.    Another launched and dead in the air lead balloon.  I could picture Maggie beginning to wonder where I was.    I find it rude to talk on a phone when you are out with someone. Just drives me nuts to see people talking away while not paying attention to what they should be doing.   Remember when you saw someone walking down the street talking to themselves meant they were nuts?  Now it’s check out to see if they have a ‘Bluetooth’ in their ear.  Oh yeah, and not paying attention as the car or bus hits them.  HELLO?

Anyway, we finally get done after countless items being picked up and looked at to within an inch of it’s life and being compared to the item next to it.  Heaven forbid, if she found yet a third item of similar type.  It too, got the once, twice, three times, look over.  Simple paper towels.  People, you use them to clean up a spill, not solve the problems of the world.  Nope, not for Annabell.  “Well these have four hundred sheets for nine dollars.  These have six hundred for nine dollars.  Which is better?”  She looked to me for suggestion.   I told her I grab whatever is on sale, it’s paper towels for God’s sake.  “But these have flowers on them.”  Oooooooookay.  “Which do you like?”  Hello?  I can’t see to make a call there.  “But these have two ply and….”  On and on she went.  If I could have found a bridge, I would have jumped off it.

Finally, I got her out of the store and into the car.   I pleaded with her to let me just call the cab.  No she wanted to take me home.  Why didn’t I insist.  WHY ???

Well we unloaded and got into the house.  I just placed my purchases on the nearest surfaced and turned hoping to get her on her way home.  Wrong.   “Well, show me the house!”

“Now?  It’s been like twelve hours since we met, don’t you have a husband to deal with?”   Hoping to get her memory jolted and outta my hair.

“Oh he’s working.  He likes to work a lot.”  She started walking around the house and looking into every nook and crannie.    All I could think of is I KNOW why he works so much…to get peace and quiet.    The pounding of a jackhammer is music after a day listening to Annabell.  I’m surprised the man hasn’t killed himself or paid a doctor to cut Annabell’s vocal cords.   Maybe he’s deaf.  That’s it!  He deaf!! Or he’s really earning a place in God’s heaven.

Another three hours pass, and I’m still trying to get her out the front door.  I’m hugging her and walking backwards toward the front door, which is STILL open.  “Really, thanks it was great.  Nice to see you again.  We’ll have to do this again.”  I quietly add, ‘in a million years from now’, under my breath.

“Fine!  When?”

“What?”

“When?”

“Err, I’ll call you.”

“When?”

“Soon.”

“Tomorrow?”

No, Tomorrow I’m going to shoot myself.  “We’ll get together again.  You need to get home and do your stuff at home.  I need to put all this away.”

“I’ll help!”

“NO!”  I said that a bit to forceful.  “No, really thanks.  It’s been great.  Bye.”  I almost grab her collar and throw her out the door.  She stands there.  “Err the car is THAT way.”  I point to the street.  “Thanks again.”   She doesn’t move.  I walk outside and take her arm and walk her to the car.  “Well thanks.”  She’s STILL yapping away.  I take her to the driver’s side, after feeling my way and open the door.  She sits and is still yapping.   “Put your feet in so I don’t put the door on them.”  She’s still yapping as if I never said a word.   It amazes me she doesn’t run out of words.   Finally, I pat the roof of the car and yell as I head towards my house.  “I gotta pee.  See you!  Thanks.”  And I head back into the door and close it.

No doubt….she’s still yapping.

Revenge Of The Mental Pausal Women.

Revenge Of The Mental Pausal Women !

Della rolled over and sighed waiting for the ‘Luminesta’ to kick in.  She, like millions of other women going thru ‘the change’.  She had problems sleeping due to the hot flashes and constant need to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.   Her doctor FINALLY gave her a few samples of the new sleeping aide.   Her doctor was male and made the fatal mistake.  He told her to wait it out.   After Della slammed him into the wall during a hot flash, he handed over the pills.    “Thanks.”, she said smiling and straighten out his now up turned collar.  “Sorry about putting the stethoscope up your….errr but…you know…hot flashes kinda make your temper short.  No hard feelings.”

“When is this )(@#*$@(# pill gonna kick in?”  She rolled over and turned on the fan and stuck her feet out from under the covers.  “Hot, cold, hot, cold.  Clothes on, off, on off.  Gods I feel like a light switch that a kid just discovered how to work.”   She mumbled a few more minutes before yawning and making one last comment about killing the son of a bitch that caused mental pause.

**********************

Della woke up in a fog.  “Where the hell am I?”  She looked around, “I’ve been here before….I think…..but how?  Nahhh, I’m dreaming.  Right I’m dreaming.”   She walked alittle farther, and  heard some voices and it sounded like two females. Finally getting close enough to see the figures.    “Pardone  me.”   The two ladies looked up.

“Della dear!  Come on over!”   A sweet white haired lady dressed in a flowing white gown with flowers smiled.  “Oh come on girl.  Don’t tell me you forgot who we are…..oh right.   Archibald did make it so.”   Della just looked at her with one eyebrow raised.   “My husband….God….Archibald?  He makes you forget that you talk to us.  Keeps you humans sane….sorta.”

“Rrrrright, and you are…..”   Della pointed to a lady dressed all in red leather with curls of orange flame licking her head in place of hair.

“Hellsa…remember?”  She smiled, “Come on over and have some tea.  Mother Nature here likes iced tea, while I’m more the hot tea type.  You? “

“Err, it’s kinda warm here, iced. Thanks.”   She sat down slowly.   “I’m in errr…”

“Hell right now.”   It was Mother’s time to answer Della.   “We were just talking about our husbands and here you are.  So what’s wrong?”

“What do ya mean?  What’s wrong?”  Della cuffed and snickered.   “The entire world, I’m not sleeping, no decent sex, and God damn…oh pardone.”  Mother Nature nodded and smiled it was okay.  “Damned hot flashes.   Who was the idiot who invented that?”

“Beezie.”  Hellsa smiled slightly off centered.  “Sorry about that.  I came up with the idea of ONCE a year.  In tune with Mother here.  She wanted her animals to have one baby a year.  So I say one period a year to breed?  We agreed and women got ONE period a year.  Worked for eons.  Then, humans started figuring things out and screwing it up.  It became twice a year, then three, then…well you get the picture.  Archie came up with the forgetting of the pain of childbirth after Beezie made labour long and hard.  Tic for tac.”

“Well what’s that have to do with hot flashes AND cramps? “ Della set the china cup down a tad harder then she wanted to.  “Sorry.”

“Well, Beezie was enjoying the humans discovering sex was not just for making babies.  He wanted more pain and sorrow.   Gotta love that Devil!”  She smiled thinking of her burning hot husband.  “So he came up with bloating and cramps.  Not that I’ve ever had them.  I AM his wife.  He wish that on me and he’d be going to his own funeral.”  Hellsa shifted in her chair.

“So what the Hell… damn, shit!  Oh I’m am so sorry.  I have a sailor’s mouth.”  Della looked at Mother Nature apologetic.

“Yes, my husband is SO proud of you Della. “   Hellsa smiled again.  “More points for out side.”

“Wait Hellsa!  She does a lot of things for OUR side.  So far she’s mmm, okay Della you do need to do something REALLY good to even out the points….mmm.”  Mother Nature looked at the tally sheet.  “Soon dear….REAL soon.”

“Okkkie.  The Devil came up with cramps, so what did YOUR side come up with?”  Della looked to the lady in white.  “Better not be the mood swings or the crying jags.”

“We came up with ‘Mydol’.”  Mother Nature smiled and then a look from Della told her it wasn’t worth much.  “Okay, chocolate.  We came up with chocolate.”

“Oh well….hey.”  Della high fived Mother Nature.

“Right and we came up with a moment on the lips a lifetime on the hips.”  Hellsa smiled.  Both Mother Nature and Della turned to her and growled.  “Tic for tac!”

“So the hot flashes were also Beezie’s idea?”    Della looked to Hellsa who nodded.   “Ummm, and what pray tell do MEN get in place of our pain and suffering?”

Both women opened their mouths to speak and then stopped.  Puzzled.  They both put down their tea and looked at each other waiting for the other to come up with something.

“Well for heavens’ sake.  Hellsa, did you EVER notice that?”

“Damn, Mother they DON’T go thru anything do they?”  The fire curls Hellsa had were dancing more and more on her head as she was getting hotter.

“Hey they don’t go thru cramps, bloating, nor weight gain when eating chocolate…..they don’t have to pass a watermelon thru a hole the size of a lemon.”  Della sat back on her chair with narrowing eyes.

“Ha ha!  I like that one Dear!”  Mother Nature chuckled.  “Isn’t that the truth!”

“Carol Burnette said it.”  Della chuckled, “It’s one of the first times I heard a woman speak the truth about having a kid.  No thanks.  Not for me.”

“Really I can’t think of a thing that men go thru.  Mmmm, Mawsie we have GOT to come up with something.”

“I hate when she calls me that.”

“Wait…wait…what about tiny peckers?  Some guys have really sad ones.”  Della snickered.

“Yes but they turn to do other things to compensate.”   The other ladies groaned after Hellsa’s comment.   “Umm, let me think….”  She placed her hand on her chin and her elbow on the table.  “There HAS to be something….tic for tac or are we one short on the tally Mawsie?”

“I’m beginning to think so Hellsa.   Della come up with something quick or we’ll have to go to work.”  Mother Nature set her cup down.  “And I just started to work on getting humans to recycle   more.”

“Where is this Beezie?”  Della stood up brushing off some crumbles from the chocolate   topped cookies.  “I didn’t know you had these here.  They are a home town favorite in Baltimore.”

“Yes, we do love them here too.  It’s a shame they are not known all over the place.  I have to keep popping to Baltimore.”  Mother Nature smiled.  “I’m glad you enjoyed them.  I’ve never tried popping the WHOLE cookie in my mouth at one time.”

“It’s a gift.”  Della blushed.

“Beezie’s in the office….the fire pit.  Why?”

“I’m going down to talk to him.  I won’t get crispy will I?”  Della blinked a bit.  “How about a little tan?”

Hellsa laughed, “No, you will be fine I promise.   He knows you aren’t quite ready for either place yet.  You have a bit more living yet to do Dear.  Just follow that path and you’ll find him.  Tell him NOT to be late for dinner, we’re having baked Alaska.”

“Oh sounds nice.”  Della smiled.

“Not THAT baked Alaska Dear.  They are turning the temperature up in Alaska.  Melting the glaciers there.”

“Oh, that’s not nice!  You’ll flood the beaches and….oh right, the bad stuff. Got ya.   Thanks for the tea and cookies ladies.  I’ll be seeing you?  I think.”

“Sure will.  Keep taking those pills, you’ll see us rather then Abe Lincoln and the furball.”

“Hey I like that groundhog I created Hellsa.”

“Right furry little rodent.  He’s good for…..”

Della walked off as she heard the two women starting a friendly agruement and laughing.

“Okay down the path and phew, it’s getting hot. “ Della opened her shirt alittle more and fanned it to get some air.  “Man I don’t want to get a hot flash while I’m here that’s for sure.   Ahh, here’s a door.”  She opened it slowly and heard screams coming from within.  “Either it’s the fire pit or a kinky sex club.”

“Della!  Come on in!”   A man in a fire hot leather suit turned and smiled.   “The Mrs said you were coming.  How ya doing girl?”

“Fine.”

“Oh that’s not what I want to hear.  Please tell me you are unhappy, sad, pissed.  That’s what I like to hear.”  The Devil smiled as Della raised one eyebrow and then realized WHO she was talking to.

“Got it.”   She stood beside him and watched as he looked down a deep pit and wrote on his tally sheet.    “There’s someone trying to escape on the left.”

“Oooh thanks, woulda missed that one.  Now WHY did you pont that out?  Working on MY side now?”

“Oh Hell no…”  Della laughed, “oh should I say oh HERE no.”   That caused another chuckle from Beezie.  “Whoever it is….looks like my ex husband.  He SHOULD burn in Hell.”   The Devil raised his hand for a high five for Della.  “Got that right.  Can you turn up the flame?”

“Girl you have GOT to come work for me.”   A pointed finger brought Della’s ex back down into the fire pit and extra flame to boot.  A primal scream came from him.  “Ahhh music to my ears.”   They watched for a few seconds before the Devil turned to Della.  “Well now what can I do for you?”

“The ladies said you were the one who came up with cramps, bloating, CALORIES in chocolate.  Ahhhh…childbirth pain, mental pause as I call it?”

“Yep some of my best work.”   The Devil smiled and rocked back and forth on his heels.   “Why have you got something in mind for women to suffer thru?  I’m all ears.  I LOVE to watch a woman suffer.”

Della just slowed nodded, then without warning she balled up her fist and smashed it into the Devil’s face.  He landed on the floor dazed.   Della was thinking of something and before she knew it, a watermelon popped up in front of her.  “I wish I could shove that right up your ass and make you pass it.”   A scream came from the Devil as the watermelon disappear.  Della’s eyes popped and she backed up.   She quickly realized what was happening.  “Okay…..I want the WORSE cramps ANY woman had EVER gone thru…and…and…..pimples YES!!!!  Plenty of pimples and bloating.  Oh I can’t forget bloating. “   The Devil’s body was twisting in all ways.  He was gaining weight, his face turned into Mount Vesuvius, and he was doubled over in pain, his leather suit ripped apart at the seams.  His backside was literally the size of a watermelon, which he was trying to pass but wasn’t having much luck.   “What’s the matter?  Need some help with that watermelon?   We can just CUT your asshole like the doctors do for women having a problem.”

The Devil looked in fear at Della and held up a hand for her to stop.

“Oh no Sweetheart,  we’re just getting started.   You got at least two days of this NONSTOP!!!”  Della now was the one rocking back and forth on her heels.   She picked up the tally board and turned off the fire in the pit.  Well all but one.  “Oh, before I forget…mood swings !!”    The Devil started crying, then pacing the floor.   He would double over again when either the cramps or a pain from the watermelon would hit.  Della just smiled.  “Need a ‘Mydol’?”

“That stuff’s a joke, it doesn’t work.  I need this to stop!   I get the point.”  The Devil was looking at his hands.  “Badness !  I’m not going to be able to fit in the handcuffs tonight!   Hellsa will be disappointed!  NO !! NO!    Della please stop this.”

“Della.”   A deep voice came from behind and Della turned to see a man in flowing white robes with a bald head and a halo.  “Della.”  He shook his finger at her.   “It’s not a nice thing to do…even to Beezie.”  He tried hard not to laugh, but a chuckle escaped.

“Let me guess…Archibald?”   God nodded.  “Well then you KNOW why, you know everything.”  She turned back to the tally sheet.  “I did turn the fire off.”

“What about Tony?  He’s still in the pit.”   Archibald looked at her.  Della growled a low sound.  “Della….forgive.  Don’t forget but forgive.”  Another growl from Della.  “Come on, you need a few more good Brownie points.   Then again this….”  He pointed to the Devil on the floor still in pain and still trying to pass the watermelon.  “..this is worth…mmmm…..”

“I’d say about 93859034539583409753 million Brownie points.”  Mother Nature came in and smiled as she patted her husband’s arm.  “Right Hellsa?   She did this for all the women EVER born.”

“Mmmm even I’ll give her a few.  My it’s nice to see a man going thru this….just once.  I feel so…soo….vindicated !!  Nice going Della.”

Della just nodded and looked down.  “Change of mood.”   The Devil started to pace the floor.  “Hot flash.”  He started sweating and trying to take off his suit.  “Cold, hot, cold, hot, cold, hot, cramps.”   The Devil was changing as fast as Della could say the words.  He was miserable.  The ladies were having a field day.

“Della….enough.”  Once again God was looking at Della.

“Arch, leave her alone.  It’s kinda nice seeing him like this.  But I’m not sure whether to hug him or feed him chocolate or…”

“Chocolate?”  The Devil looked up.  “Yes !!  Please can I ….ooooooooooooooh!”  Another pain hit him.

“No Dear, it’s not a good thing for you to have anything until you pass that…watermelon.”   Hellsa hid a snicker behind her hand.  “Really Della, I would have used a pineapple.”

“Ooooh, good one Hellsa.”  Della high fived her.  She looked over to God.  “Okay, okay.  Pass the watermelon…..but not without the snip in the ass !! He’s got to feel the WHOLE thing.”

“DELLA !!”  God’s eyes popped.  “That’s gonna cost you a Brownie point.”

A weak chuckle came from Beezie.  “Score one for the Gripper!”  Then he laid back down and felt the pain of the watermelon coming out.  “Ooooh, I’ll never be able to sit comfortably again.”

“No shit Sweetheart.”  Hellsa was looking at her husband with her hands on her hips.  “Toughen up, women have done this for eons.  You’ve only done it for twenty minutes.”

“Della….the WHOLE thing.”  Archibald folded his arms.  Della just gritted her teeth and wiggled her finger….but not all the way.  “Happy? “

“Much better.”  God smiled.  The Devil stood up and held on to Hellsa’s shoulder.

“Oooh, I think I need to lay down for a while.  If you don’t mind…Arch can we leave Della here for a bit….to watch over….oh heck send her back…she’s turned off the fire.  It will take me a day or two to get it started again.  Damn.  Hellsa…would you mind ?”

“Sure Honey, come on.  Della, nice seeing you again and thanks.”  She helped Beezie walk out of the room.

Archibald and Mother Nature turned back to Della.  “Am I in trouble?”  Della handed the tally sheet to God.    “It was payback time.  I did it for all the women in the world who ever wished it.”

God bit the inside of His cheek.  “Well, you really should forgive easier…but I have to admit.  It was funny watching him with that watermelon.  I don’t think I’m going to eat another one for a while.  But….”

“Forgive and forget.”   Mother Nature looked at her husband and smiled.

“Walked right into that one didn’t I?”  Archibald threw His hands up.  “Okay, okay, you win.  I can’t fight both of you.”

A howl was heard from beyond the doors and God looked at Della with one eyebrow up.  “Della?”

“A pimple…on his butt…with a hair in the middle.  Really touchie.”  Della starting laughing.

**************

“What?  What the Hell?”  Della sat up in bed.  “What the Hell was that dream about?  Man these pills are REALLY giving me some weird dreams.    I gotta call Maggie.”   She reached for the phone it was 2 A.M.”   “Hey Maggie……..”

2007 Titles

July 2007

1 It’s A Bird, It’s A Plane, It’s A Err…

2 Ero’s Place

3 Three Blind Mice (2 parts)

4 Hey Sara!

5 Recluse by Gomey (funny G/C)

6 Roadkill (g/c)

7 Sticks & Stones (whipper)

8 Grissomstein’s Monster (abs)

9 Short Leash (whipper)

10 The Blob (abs)

11 Happy Birthday To..Me

12 Pretty In Pink (g/c)

13 Invasion Of The Body Snatchers

14 Grissom, I Have A Problem

15 I’ll Be Texting You (g/c)

16 Rrrrrip (general)

18 Fan Mail (general)

19 Boo! (whipper)

20 Cally’s Christmas Poem

21 The Gift (g/c)

22 CSI Fight Night by Margy

23 Sleigh Bells (g/c)

23 He’s In The Shower (h/g/c)

25 Sleigh Bells In The Wind (g/c)

26 First Snowfall (g/c)

27 The Christmas Song by Grissom Rocks

28 In The Nick Of Time by Mindy

29 Button Down (for Lizzy who is a Sandle)

30 Return To Las Vegas (g/c)

31 The Ben Gay Strippers Part 1 & 2 (g/c)

AUGUST

1 Flipping Head Over Heels (a ME story) parts 1 2 & 3

2 You Ain’t Nuthin’ But A Hound Dog (continuing ME story) parts 1 2 & 3

3 To The Moon Rosie, To The Moon (ME con’t) part 1 & 2

4 You Gotta Be Kidding (ME story) part 1 & 2

5 But I Didn’t See, The Joke Was On Me FINALE of the ME story (part 1 & 2)

6 Sara Goes Pyscho by beagleluv

7 Blue Hawaii

8 Ring Around The…. (g/c)

9 Sliding Down A Pole (g/c) Parts 1 & 2

11 The Challenge by Margy

12 A Second Cup Of Coffee Part 1 & 2. (lizzy story)

13 Mr Grissom

14 Strike Three parts 1 & 2

15 My Trip To Providence (to meet William)

16 Fly On The Wall by Margy

17 Ma’am (birthday for Nicola)

18 Sara Goes Pshyco (by beagleluv)

19 Cua Es Ese Ruido? (abs)

20 Be Tankful It Wasn’t You

21 The Rosie Show

22 CSI Poems by Liz 19

23 Short and Sweet

24 We Interupt This Program

26 Got Ostie

27 Singing In The Rain (g/c)

28 Now That Makes Sense

29 Have You Seen Her?

30 What’s Up (general)

31 The Plane Ride (whipper, abs)

September

1 It’s Affecting Me (abs)

2 Don’t Mess With Della

3 Life’s Lessons…Pet Style

4 Breaking Point

5 Dancing In The Dark (G/C)

6 Love Bites

7 Ashes To Dust

8 Say What?

9 Payback Is A Bitch

10 Spring Cleaning

11 Never Doubt, Never Look Back (g/c)

12 Heavens No, Oh Hell Yes! (m&d)

13 When Hurricanes Collide (whipper)

14 God’s Little Favour (m&d)

15 Obedience Training

16 America’s Got Talent & HeWon!

17 Decisions Decisions (m&d)

18 Softly, I Will Leave You Softly (g/c)

20 All A Buzz (general)

21 On The Cover Of …A Romance Novel? (g/c)

22 Death By The Busload (straight)

23 Death By The Busload (gay)

24 Too Hot To Handle (g/c)

25 Living Dolls…The Real Script

26 It Ant So!

27 Happy 90th Maggie

October

15 Something Fishy (M&D)

18 Sara’s New Job

19 Who Do Voodo? You Do?

20 Anger Management

21 Happy Birthday Nicola

NOVEMBER

6 Music, It’s Good For Romance. (ABS)

9 Margy, It’s Archibald (M&D)

11 Fantasy Island (g&c)

12 Stop Monkeying Around (whipper)

13 Little Lab In The Desert

14 It’s Not Nice To Fool Mother Nature (M&D)

20 Shadow Boxing (whipper)

DECEMBER

11 A Christmas Tail (M&D)

24 I Saw Grandma Kissing Santa (whipper)

25 The Letter (abs)

27 A New Beginning (abs)

A New Beginning

A New Beginning.

Working for the City of Las Vegas had it’s perks.  Holidays were not one of them.  The entire police department had to work on major holidays.  No exceptions.   That meant the entire Lab would be on duty for the end of 2007 and the beginning of 2008.

Gil Grissom looked out of the window in his office and stared at the not so full moon.  His hands in his pockets and his back to the door, he didn’t see or hear Catherine Willows coming.

“Penny for your thoughts.”   Her sulky voice brought Gil back to the present.

“Sorry?”

“What were you thinking about?”

“Oh nothing and everything.”   He didn’t smile but turned back to the view outside.  Catherine could see he was battling with himself again.

“Talk to me Gil.  We USED to be great friends.  I miss that.”   She walked over and stood besides him slowly resting her head on his arm.  “I miss you.  I miss our friendship. The joking, the laughter. Hell I miss that damn Shakespeare.”

Gil chuckled and with one hand tipped her nose.  “Me too.”  A few minutes passed before Catherine looked up at him.  “What?”

“Damn it Gil TALK!”

“About what?”

Catherine just rolled her eyes.   She grabbed his hand and sat him down on the sofa.  Then she walked over to the door and closed it while hitting the lock.   “You are NOT leaving this room alive unless we iron out a few things.”   Gil just blinked his usual ‘duh’ness’ look.

Catherine sat down hard and then folded her legs under her body and turned towards him.  “Talk…..and if you say ‘about what’….I swear I will punch you right in  the nose.”   She waited and when she received no answer she began to lean forward like she was going to punch him.

“OKAY !”  Then more softly, “Okay, I was just ‘gathering my thoughts’.”  He smiled shyly and they both chuckled at his trying to bide time.  “I’ve miss that too.”  He leaned over and took her hand and patted it.

“Not my fault, nor the Lab’s.  That my friend rests squarely on YOUR shoulders.”  Her one eyebrow came up and so did the corner of her mouth.  “Well?”

“I’m coming…give me second will ya?  Gods women talk all the time, men….”

“Hime and haul.”    Gil’s tongue slowly came part of the way out of his mouth and Catherine saw it.  She reached over and with her hand pushed up on his dimpled chin.  “Don’t you DARE stick your tongue out at me Mister.”

“OW!  I wasn’t…you know I do that when I’m thinking….it’s something you think is ‘charming’…at least you said that in the past.”  He put on a sheepish grin and Catherine just shook her head and started to open her mouth.  “Well, if you want me to talk, you’ll have to keep quiet.”   The icy glare was enough to freeze out the poor timed joke.  “Okay, sorry about that.”  He sighed and rubbed his hand thru his slightly longer greying hair.

“I like the grey better and the curls.  It’s more attractive then the obvious dyed black, slicked back hair you’ve been wearing for the last two years.  Besides most people your age have grey hair.  Embrace it.  It’s sexy.”

“And you?”

She glared at him again.

“Never had a grey hair on that pretty strawberry blonde head.  I know, I know.”  Gil smiled at her again, this time a chuckle came from her.  “Phew! Got out of that one.”  That remark earned him a smack on the arm which he playfully rubbed while gathering his thoughts even more.  “Okay, I think I’m sorta ready.”

“I would like to hear this BEFORE I die you know.”

“Aren’t we just full of encouragement here tonight?”   The look he got left nothing to his imagination, he knew he better start and fast.   “Okay, it started after Jim was shot.  I needed to….feel like I was alive.  The stress that put me under.  Having to decide if he was going to live or die….I know he trusted me and I hoped never to be put in that situation.  But there it was.  Jim’s life rested squarely on my shoulders.  When he woke up…. never was I so glad to look into those brown eyes of his.  Such a relief it was.”  He closed his eyes and took a deep breath.   “I had no idea of how much pressure it was until his ‘cheering squad’ left…..all but Sara.  She stood there.  I didn’t see her with you guys.  She stood far away from all of you.  She said she felt like she wasn’t part of the group.  She was happy that he was going to be okay, but ….she never felt as if she belonged to ‘the team’.”

“She didn’t.  YOU brought her in.  It wasn’t like she was assigned to graveyard.  YOU brought her in to spy on Warrick.  How did you expect us to feel?  She should have left right after that.  Why DID she stay?”

“Because she wanted to be near me I guess.   I should have sent her back.  But she told me that she had packed up and brought everything with her.  She got rid of her apartment and quit her job in San Francisco.   What was I to do?  Send her back without a job?”

“It wasn’t your problem.  SHE quit, SHE packed up.  You didn’t ask for her to do that.  You should have said ‘thanks and goodbye’.  The team would have been better for it.  I know YOU would have.”   Gil just nodded slowly.   “You wouldn’t be in this mess and you would probably be a happy man right now.”  Again Gil nodded.  “Well, go on.”

“I left Jim after he fell asleep and she was still there waiting.  We got some dinner and headed back to her apartment and…well.  I needed stress release and one thing led to another and….it was a Sunday night if I remember right.  She was so willing and didn’t ask for anything other then me….at the time.  Later it ended up being more of a ball and chain.  I was suckered into believing she really wanted MY happiness as much as I wanted her to be happy.  All she wanted was to be me.   She wanted to consume me totally.  Be everything I was.  I look back now and realized how she treated you and the guys.  How she started to order you all around and the Lab personnel !   Gods the complaints I got and brushed them off.  The officers, everyone …and Ecklie.  That asshole.  Gods was he ever right on target.  But I didn’t say that.”   He smiled at Catherine sheepishly and she nodded back at him.  Both of them just tolerated the smug little ass kissing man that was their supervisor.    “Well, I covered her ass so much it became a daily habit.    She was always ready and willing.  It got into a habit I guess.  A bad one but a habit.  It was so much easier just to let her have her way then to fight her.  She convinced me that traveling to Hendersen every morning was wasting gas so I got the condo for us.  That’s gone now, I’m back in Hendersen….in MY own house, with Hank.  Gods she even named the poor dog after a boyfriend.   That should have told me something.”  He looked over to Catherine waiting for some response, he didn’t get one.   “Well, things were going along fine until Natalie got her.  I doubt that we would have been found out.  By the way Ecklie said something to me….maybe you can answer it.”   Catherine looked over to him puzzled.  “He said women like to talk about who they are dating?   Do they?   Why is it anyone’s business?  Don’t you want to keep it private?”  Catherine’s husky laugh startled Gil.  “Guess not.”

“No Gil.   When a woman is dating someone special she wants to announce it to the world.  HE’S MINE, hands off.  She’s proud of who she is seeing.  If she keeps it a secret it’s because she one…knows it’s wrong.  Or two, knows it will be frowned upon, or three,  he is a total jerk.  So which was it with Sara?”

“Well I don’t think I’m a jerk.”

“Don’t be too sure.”

“CATHERINE !”   She just looked at him wide eyed and smiled.  “Right, lately. Okay, I’ll chalk that one up.  She DID know it was wrong.  We both did.  Guess she wasn’t proud of it.  Mmm.  To think I asked her to marry me.”

“WWWWWWWWWWWWWWHAT?”  Catherine bolted off the fake leather couch and turned on Gil looking down on him.  “You DID WHAT?”

“Oh boy.  Err yeah.  She said yes, but thankfully she errr we didn’t get time to do it.”   Catherine sat down and looked at Gil like he had three heads.  “Thank heavens for small favours right?”   The look from Catherine , Gil knew it wasn’t funny.  “Okay…ah well she’s gone and I packed up her stuff and sent it to her in San Francisco.  I have talked to her a few times.   She’s not sure she’s coming back.  I think she wants me to come out there.   I don’t want to leave Las Vegas.  I like it here.  Mother’s buried here.  I just don’t want to leave….my family.  You and the guys.  I just don’t want to leave at least not for just Sara’s sake.  Hodges said something and it rings true.”  Once again Catherine’s eyebrow came up in amazement.  “Yeah Hodges, who would have thought.   He said sometimes you just have to let them go.  He’s so right.  It is what it is or was.  But it’s over.  Now it’s time for me to move on.  Make amends and move on.  First thing I have to do is try to get my rep back and then….”

“No.”

“No what?”

“It’s NOT the first thing you need to do.”

“What is it then?”

“Think.”

“Errrr….”

“What is the HARDEST thing for YOU to do.  Okay ANY MAN to do.”

“Admit we are wrong?”

“AND????”

“Oh….apologize.”  Catherine smiled at the small victory.

“WELL?”

“Well what?  OH!  Oh right.  Mmm should I start with the guys first or the entire Lab or….WHAT?”

“HELLO?”   Gil just looked at her.  “Where is a two by four when you need one?  GIL…..”

“Sorry Catherine.  Really I’m sorry.”  He once again took her hand and this time held it and covered it with his other hand.   “I never wanted to hurt you of all people.   I realize now if you HAD known and we HAD done it properly you might even have been happy for me. For us.”

“Don’t count on that.”   She looked at him square in the face.  “There is NO WAY that woman, and I use the term loosely, was good for you.  NO WAY!.  She was wrong for you in every way.   Now Terri Miller, would have been good, but she wasn’t much of a challenge…mentally for you.  You did ogle her enough.  Then Sofia…”   Gil’s eyes bugged out.  “Like you didn’t think we would find out?”

“How?  Did she tell you something? “

“Mmm just that you two had a memorable evening just before she left.”  Catherine smiled.   Gil blushed.  “Didn’t expect her to come back did ya?”  Gil’s eyes just closed.  “Then there’s Heather.”  Catherine felt Gil’s hand stiffen over her’s.   “Ahhh, she still rattles your cage.  You wouldn’t have helped her with her Granddaughter if you didn’t harbour some feelings for her….more then a friend.”  Catherine watched as Gil’s chin lowered to his chest.  “You still do I think.  Now there is the perfect woman for you…..other then me of course.   But we aren’t going down that road.”  Gil looked up and raised an eyebrow.  “Sorry but I’m not going anywhere near you after Sara.  I have standards.  And again there’s Ecklie.”

“I see Heather once in a while, we take Allison to the park or to one of the merry go rounds.  She loves those and I’m sorta of a chaperone for them.  Jerome is breaking the Court order by letting her see Allison.  But with me there, they both know I wouldn’t let Heather take her out of the City much less the State.”   Catherine nodded.   “So we do get to spend a few hours together.”

“And how has it been?   Do you look forward to them?  Enjoy them?”

“Yeah…a lot why?”

“And how did you feel when you were going home to Sara?  After work?  Where you looking forward to seeing her when you got home or….”

“Grinding my teeth wondering what problems I would have to cover up the next shift?   The mistakes I would have to fix?  Wondering if Hank was still alive?  Did you know she got him fixed and put his balls in a jar?  I got them in my office.   That was our first anniversary present.   I think it was a not so subtle warning.”

Catherine’s hand went to her mouth in shock and then she burst out laughing.   “Oh dear GOD !”   She was howling.

Gil crossed his legs and put a protective hand over his lap.  “It’s NOT funny.  Poor Hank, he was walking like John Wayne for two weeks.”   The mental picture flashed before his eyes and he shook.  “God that poor dog.  She wouldn’t let him sleep on the bed with us either.  Didn’t bother me.  Hank snored less and he didn’t smell like booze first thing in the morning. “   He realized he let out more then he should have.   Catherine just looked at him.  “I know, Jim tried and I think that’s why those two were on edge.  She didn’t like it when he would follow her to ‘AA’ meetings.  So she stopped going.  She defeated what he was trying to teach her.  He had been thru it.  He knew.  Granted Jim can drink and knows when to stop NOW, Sara couldn’t do that.  She wasn’t happy unless she was sitting there with a fifth.”  Gil shook his head.

“So when are you going to talk to the guys.  Group or individual?   I THINK you should do a one or one.  That way THEY can get THEIR feelings off their chest.  Especially Greg.  He had feelings for Sara.  The others, they could care less.   She’s gone and they are happy about it.”   Gil looked at her,   “Gods don’t tell me you didn’t know that they really couldn’t stand her.   She was a good CSI but outside the Lab.   She was NEVER one of us.  And this situation made it worse.  So if I were you….one on one.  Then if you want to do each Departments as a group….but Wendy, Hodges, ARCHIE ….they all should be individual sessions.  The killer will be Ecklie.”  There was dead silence.  Then both looked at each other and at the same time…..

“Nah….forget him!”   They laughed.

“Jim.  Did you talk to Jim?”   Gil shook his head.  He knew early on.  He didn’t say a word to anyone, but he knew.  He let me know he didn’t like it but that it was my decision.  He even mentioned what it would do to the team and to my career.  He asked me point blank if she was worth all that.  I couldn’t answer him.  Then he just walked away.”

“Should have told you something right then and there.  You know Jim would be one of your best cheerleaders if he knew you had the right women.  He’s got issues with Heather right now.  But I think they can work on that.  He sees enough crap on the job, he doesn’t want to see someone throw away their life.  Maybe you can get them talking again.”   She leaned over and patted his leg.  “Then maybe the four of us could have dinner.  It would be nice to go out again….like we used to.”

They sat in silence for a few minutes.

“Well guess we should start doing SOMETHING tonight.”  The clock struck twelve and the sounds of fireworks were heard.  “Happy New Year Gil.  I hope 2008 is wonderful for you.”  They both got up and Catherine tippy toed and kissed his cheek.  “Don’t EVER do that again.  Or I’ll kill you.  I know where and how to avoid being caught.”  She smiled up at him.

Gil looked down and wrapped his arms around her.  “Thank you Catherine.  I really am sorry and I REALLY missed your…..”  He patted her tush.   “….that.”   They laughed and smiled.

Catherine walked over to the door and unlocked it.   “So who shall I send in first?  Warrick?  Brass?”

“Give me a few minutes.  I want to call Heather.”   Gil sat at his desk and picked up the phone.

Catherine smiled and closed the door as she heard Gil wishing Heather a ‘Happy New Year’.

The Letter

THE LETTER..

This is REALLY what ninety nine percent of the CSI fans wanted to happen.

Gil Grissom opens the note he was handed by Judy, the receptionist at the Las Vegas Crime Lab. He had not been able to locate Sara Sidle, his ‘adult relationship’ partner. She had left the Lab without so much as a good night. Normally, she would whine and bitch about them not being on the same shift anymore and that she did not like him not being around her twenty four seven.

Gil sighed as he opened the letter. ‘Now what?’ He thought and began to read. As Sara’s voice boomed in his head. N’er the soft sulky voice of Catherine Willows or the deep sexy voice of Lady Heather, but a grinding nails on a chalkboard sound.

Gil …

“Christ, she FINALLY remembered my name?”

you know I love you. I feel I’ve loved you forever. Lately I haven’t been feeling very well. Truth be told, I’m tired.

Gil chuckled, ‘YOU’RE TIRED? Try dealing with a whining always on the rag nagging person like you.’.

Out in the desert, under that car that night, I realized something, and I haven’t been able to shake it.

“Right there Sara, you were costing the Department a TON of money looking for you. The helicopter ride alone was fourty grand! If you had been on you toes, you would have seen Natalie coming and TRIED to fight her off. I mean COME ON, she’s smaller in every way then you.” He shakes his head.

Since my father died, I’ve spent almost my entire life with ghosts.

“Well now that explains it! Why you talked to yourself…err them. Ahhh makes sense now.” He continued to read. “I’m sure they WERE your only friends!”

We’d been like close friends, and out there in the desert, it occurred to me that it was time for me to bury them.

“BURY THEM? Bury WHAT? Oh no, I’m NOT going thru another Nick Stokes in a coffin thing again. I can handle one but not another one. SHIT!”

I can’t do that here.

“Well where the hell ARE you going to bury them? And WHAT friends? I don’t have any since we got together….they all left me. And you? You don’t HAVE any !! Oh gods PLEASE not Hank! The one thing that really loves me unconditionally……HANK !!!”

I’m so sorry. No matter how hard I try to fight it off, I’m left with the feeling that…I have to go.

“Now? After you killed my career? Cost me my friends, my reputation? My integrity? Great! I bet you wiped out my savings account too !! You had me buy a cheesy apartment which you decorated like a circus….NOW you leave? Shit!”

I have no idea where I’m going, but I know I have to do this.

“And WHERE in the hell am I suppose to send the last paycheck? I’m NOT covering all your bills. NO WAY !!! And you owe me one half the rent on that cheesy apartment!”

If I don’t, I’m afraid I’ll self-destruct, and worse, you’ll be there to see it happen.

“Where’s the plunger? Let me push the button! PLLLLLLLLLLLLEASE !!”

Be safe. Know that I tried very hard to stay.

“Please, don’t stay on my account. Go! GO! Don’t let the screen door hit your boney ass on the way out! Think of all the sympathy dates i can get! WHOA !!”

Know that you are my one and only.

“Like the whole damned world couldn’t see you following me around like a damn puppy dog for the last nine years? Oh get a grip. And I KNOW I wasn’t the ONE and only. You were NOT a virgin. You were too well versed in not castrating me with those buck teeth.”

I will miss you will every beat of my heart.

“You got that right. There will be NO ONE to cover that boney ass and keep fixing your mistakes !! Damn right you are going to miss me.”

Our life together was the only home I’ve ever really had.

“LIFE?? YOU had a life thanks to me! I lost EVERYTHING thanks to you. I shouldn’t have said ‘get a life’. I didn’t think you would take MINE !”

I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

“Got that right, no one would believe you could have brought me down to such lowness and stupidity. I elevated your life at the cost of everything I held dear and sacred. I’m SO glad Mother is not alive to witness the mess I made in a weak moment. She would have cut my dick off and fed it to me.”

I love you. I always will. Goodbye/

“Halley Berry LOUISE !! She’s GONE !! SHE IS GONE !! Oh thank you GOD! Or whoever! I don’t care she’s gone! Funny I feel like singing. “

Gil gets up and walks thru the halls of the Lab. Little did he realize he was mumming….’Ding dong the bitch is gone!’. He smiles for the first time in three years. Catherine looks at him and smiles. Gil just nods soon Catherine is humming the same song. It took less then two minutes before the entire Lab sounded like the Munchkins from the ‘Wizard of Oz’. Finally harmony was returned to the Lab !!

I Saw Granny Kissing Santa!

I Saw Grandma  Kissing Santa Claus!

Jerome Kessler sat and listened to his granddaughter telling him the story.   He was trying hard not to laugh out loud.   He would occasionally look at his ex-wife and raise an eyebrow.  Heather Kessler just kept closing her eyes and biting her lower lip while poking Gil Grissom in the stomach with her elbow, as he stood behind her.

****************

Gil Grissom had been a shell of a man for the past two years.  His ‘adult relationship’ with Sara Sidle had drained the life out of him.  His friends outside the Las Vegas Lab stopped having anything to do with him once they met Sara.  His Lab co-workers and friends were so disappointed in him, they could hardly stand to look at him.  He was more lonely then ever.   It was Christmas Eve and he was TOTALLY alone and it showed.

Just about everyone was off that night, Gil had covered a double shift so Catherine could enjoy the holidays with Lindsay.   It was nearly ten when the phone rang.

“Grissom.”   He stated in his usual fashion, praying it wasn’t a run.  He just wanted to sit in his office and brood.   “Yes, how are you Jerome?   How’s Allison?  That’s great.  Oh…she’s at Heather’s.  I’m sure she appreciates you allowing her to spend the time.   No, nothing why?”   Gil listened as Jerome told him that he was to dress up as Santa and go over to Heather’s and set out the presents.  But Jerome just wasn’t feeling up to it….and besides his new girlfriend wanted to spend the night and wasn’t to keen on him leaving for his ex-wife’s.   He wondered if Gil would ‘fill in for him’.   Grissom grinned from ear to ear and played it cool as he could.   “Sure, I’ll be glad to but what about the suit?   Sure I can stop over in…”  He looked at his watch, “…fifteen minutes okay?  Great.”  He got ready to hang up the phone and thought quickly.   “Jerome?  Thanks.”

Gil looked around the office and thought ‘oh what the hell, not like there’s that much to do and really?  Would anyone miss me right now?’   So he signed out and headed over to Jerome’s house.

****************

“Thanks for letting me change here.  Would probably be arrested for indecent exposure changing in the car.”   Gil grinned as Jerome checked out the blue eyed man standing in front of him.  “Looks okay?”

“Suit fits fine.  The trend now is for ‘fit’ Santa.  I still like the over weight jelly belly one better.  But you’ll do.  Here’s all of the presents.  Mine and Heather’s for Allison.   Just knock, she’s waiting for me….er you…err Santa.  Then peek into Allison’s room and leave the door open slightly so she hears the noise and Heather will bring her out to peek.”

“Great idea, this should be fun.  Thanks.  Really, I was just sitting around moping and moping.  This is just what I needed to do.”    Gil grinned and shook hands.  “Merry Christmas Jerome.  And again,  thanks.”

Jerome stood at the door and watched Gil leave.   Then turned to see his girlfriend standing in the living room.  “What?  It WASN’T my idea to go over there.”

“Yeah, so whose was it?   I didn’t like  that you would  go over to her house.  I KNOW that woman.  She’s hard to resist. She’s….well, she’s LADY HEATHER for God’s sake.  Who can resist a woman like that?”

“Me.  I’ve got all the woman I need here.”   He smiled and pulled his lady into his arms.  “But I WILL go over there tomorrow.  I want to see my granddaughter.”

********************

Gil pulled into Heather’s driveway and got out.  He saw the lights on thru the window and knew Heather was expecting Jerome.   He just hoped this wouldn’t backfire on them.   Jerome didn’t bother to call Heather and tell her of his change of plans.

Gil hoisted the sack of presents over his shoulder and closed the trunk of the car.  He began to feel nervous as he walked to the front door.   It had been a while since he had seen Heather.   He knew she found out about Sara leaving from Catherine Willows.  The ladies  were close friends now.  Gil never thought Heather wanted to see much of him after being with Sara.  What normal woman would want anything to do with him?

He knocked on the door softly.   It opened a few seconds later with a smiling Heather.  She didn’t really look at  Santa.

“Come on in.  She’s been sleeping for an hour.  She was HARD to get to go to sleep.  She’s so excited.”   She walked in the living room and realized that Santa didn’t follow.  “Are you coming or what?”

“I’m fighting it.”

Heather’s eyebrows went together in puzzlement.  “Do you want some coffee or …oh wait you have to eat the milk and cookies on the table.”  She headed to the kitchen and Gil followed her, setting the sack of toys on the floor near the tree.   “Here just eat one and leave it undone.  I’ll crumble up one, the rest I’ll put back in the cookie jar, then put the milk back into the jug.  She’ll never know, but leave some of it.  Here, put a few crumbs on your beard.”   She looked up.  “Why are you so…. Jerome?”

“No.”

“GIL!  Wheerr….GIL !!  What are YOU doing here?”

“Jerome called and asked if I would help him out.  Seems his girlfriend doesn’t like him coming over here.   You are ‘too much competition’. “ Gil smiled as he said it.  “Actually she’s not wrong.  Looking good Heather.”

She just nodded and smiled.  “How are you Gil?  Sorry to hear about Sara.  But it doesn’t surprise me.  She wasn’t a stable person to begin with and surely not your equal in many ways.  But I am sorry she hurt you.  I understand how you feel.  More then you will know.”

“Heather….”  She stopped him with her hands up.  He just sighed and left it at that.

“We have a job to do.”  She pointed to the living room.  “Wait.”  She put more cookie crumbs in his fake beard.  “Is it glued on tight?”  She tugged at it and it stayed on.

“OUCH!”    Gil rubbed his chin.  “That hurt.”

“Good.  Now let’s go.  I want to get to bed.  She’s going to be up at the crack of dawn.”    Heather led Gil to Allison’s room and quietly opened the door.   Gil let out a soft ‘ho ho ho’ and Heather closed the door and turned to ‘Santa’, putting her finger to her lips and motioning him to go and start putting the gifts under the tree.    As he left Heather sprinkled glitter on the floor in Gil’s footprints.  Gil’s puzzle look made her put both her hands on her hips.  “Santa’s MAGICAL remember?”  Gil got it and smiled and put a finger to his nose and winked.  “Oh Lord.”  Heather just chuckled and sprinkled more glitter.

She waited a few minutes, before getting the nod from Gil.   She opened Allison’s door and tip toed into the room.

“Allison!  Santa’s here.”  She gently shook the child awake.  “You MUST be quiet or he’ll take all the presents back.  PROMISE?”  The little girl now wide eyed nodded quickly and reached up for her Grandmother’s arms.  “Here we go.  Shhh now.”

Heather went as far as the archway into the living room, the whole time holding her granddaughter tight.  They peeked around the corner and saw Santa working away under the tree.   He would get up once in a while and look at something on the tree or add something to a stocking on the fireplace.   He ‘ho ho ho’ed’ a few times.  Then he left out a burp!

Allison giggled and Heather pulled her back around the corner and shh’ed her.  From the living room they heard Santa.

“Ho ho ho.  Those cookies and milk were the best tonight.  Yumm, I’m going to have to leave some for Rudolf too.  He just loves sugar cookies.”   Then he set back to his work.

Heather almost burst out laughing at Gil’s enjoyment playing the role.   She turned and headed them back to the child’s bedroom.   Once there she closed the door and put Allison back into her bed.

“Grandma!  It was REALLY SANTA !!”

“Yes!  And you saw him!  Now go to sleep.  If he finds out…poof! There go the presents.”  The little girl closed her eyes so tight, she made a face.  Heather just chuckled and kissed her forehead.  “Good night angel.”

“Grandma?”   Heather turned to face her, “Love you!”   Heather just smiled and blew a kiss to her and closed the door.   She stood there for a few seconds with her head on the door remembering a tiny child named Zoe.

Heather turned and walked into the living room just as Gil finished putting all the toys and gifts out.  He folded the sack and placed it on the chair.  “Looks okay?”  He stood looking at his ‘work’.  “The fireplace is a nice touch, makes it ‘Norman Rockwell’ like.”   Heather came up and tugged his beard.

“Thank you.”  She stood on her toes and kissed Gil’s cheek.  She watched as Gil held the spot with his hand.  “Would you like a brandy or tea?”  Gil just nodded, he wanted to stretch this time with Heather as long as he could.    They headed to the kitchen and Heather made tea.

They talked just about all night.   Somewhere in that time, things clicked.  They both found themselves in front of the fireplace on a blanket.

They didn’t notice a pair of green eyes peeking from the archway.

*******************

Gil sat up as the sun came thru the window, he shook Heather quickly awake.  “I better go.”  He started to gather his clothes.

“No, stay.  Please.  I want you to stay and watch Allison open her gifts.  You put a lot of work into making her Christmas special.  And… I want you here.”  Gil kissed her again.  “But we need to get that beard off!  Go out and get your regular clothes.  We can’t have you dressed like this.”   Gil put the red pants on and headed out the door to grab his regular clothes and came back in.   Heather was waiting for him in the kitchen with nail polish remover to get the beard off.

Allison woke up to the smell of pancakes and bacon.   She threw the covers back and ran into the living room squealing the whole way.

Both Heather and Gil said at the same time, “She’s up !”   They headed to the living room to watch.

“Allison, remember ONE present and then breakfast.”    Allison looked at the man she had seen before. But couldn’t place him.   “This is Mr Gil, he’s having breakfast with us.”  Allison just nodded and selected a gift, then preceded to rip it open and squeal with joy.

*************

They talked over breakfast and cleared away the dishes just as the door bell rang.

GRANDPOP !”  Allison ran to the door and opened it.   Jumping into his arms started to breathlessly tell her tale.  Jerome had to stop her until he came in the living room and sat down.

************

After watching Allison open all her presents and hand Heather and Jerome their’s to open,   things settled down.   Allison was busy paying and Gil was helping her by putting together one of her toys.   Jerome pulled Heather into the kitchen.

“So….he ahh gave YOU a present?”  Heather blushes slightly.  “My goodness Heather,  you must have been a good girl this year for Santa to give you that good of a present.”   He smiled as Heather playfully smacked him.   “Heather, are you happy with him?”  She nodded.   “Then I’m okay with it.   But be a little more errr careful.”

“I wasn’t expecting to see Gil nor for Allison to wake up again.  Not like I planned this.”  Then Heather looked at Jerome.  “But YOU on the other hand……did you?”
Jerome just smiled.  “It WAS your idea?”

“Not completely.   A Miss Willows called.”

“Oh God bless that woman.”

They headed out to the living room.   “Allison let Grandpop help you with that Mr Gil has to help me set the table for lunch.”  Gil looked up puzzled but handed the toy to Jerome as he stood up.

“What’s up?”  Gil nuzzled her neck while Heather was handing him dishes to place on the table.

“Catherine the sneak.”   Gil’s eyebrows knitted together.  “She planned the WHOLE thing.  Jerome just told me.  We have GOT to do something for her.”

“Ohhhh, don’t worry I’ll thank her enough for the two of us.  That is if she’ll speak to me.”

“Things not great at the Lab?”   Gil shook his head.  “Well maybe once everyone sees Catherine and you back as close friends, they will come around.”

“I hope so, it’s been rough.  I feel like I disappointed everyone.”

“Have you ever said ‘I’m sorry’ to the people in the Lab?”   Gil looked at her as if she had three heads.  “Well, you DID exactly what you told them NOT to.  They deserve an apology.”

“This from the woman would said ‘apologies are just words’?”

“Actions Gil ACTIONS speak louder then words.   Remember that, but first you have to say ‘I’m sorry’ and MEAN IT !”    She poured milk in a glass for Allison.  “LUNCH !!”